Monday, September 1, 2014


I don't know about you, but the only reason I'd deliberately  toss a bucket of ice water over my head is if I were in the midst of one of those hot flashes that make me feel as if my blood has been replaced by jalapeno peppers. For one thing, clean ice should not be wasted when it is better served chilling my rum and Coke. For another, self-induced hypothermia is not a good look on me. So, when it comes to the ALS Ice-Bucket challenge, pardon me if I give it the cold shoulder. In fact, below are my Top 10 reasons for rejecting this latest internet stunt. Pick the one that best suits you and use it daily!

1. I'm vain. I don't want people seeing me dripping wet with my hair plastered against my skull, my shirt clinging to my "when-are-you-due?" belly, and my mouth open like a squawking parrot unleashing a string of profanities. I'm sure the 12 thousand people in the US suffering from ALS can relate to this.

2.  I love the earth! When 11% of the world's population has no access to clean water, should we really be dumping buckets of it over our heads? Besides, running a marathon is a much sexier way to to raise money and awareness. Good for the glutes! All those plastic bottles of water you drink during the race? That's for hydration therefore NOT WASTED! People without clean drinking water surely understand that, just as they understand our need to soak in hot tubs, take long hot baths, drink iced alcoholic beverages, dump our pets water dishes each morning to replace with fresh water from the faucet, fill our decorative table fountains, water our house plants, fill baby pools,  use an entire bucket of water to clean one floor, flush twice, flush every time, water our golf courses, and visit an air-conditioned, fountain-adorned gambling community in the middle of a bone-dry desert.  But, dump a bucket of clean water over one's head? HELL NO! I'm sure that  if people in the early stages of  ALS were not too weak to hoist a bucket over their head, they would cry out in protest. "How dare we! This precious 2 gallons could be used to boil one pot of spaghetti!"

"I'm reading about these people dumping buckets of ice water over their heads to raise awareness. My God! Could they be more selfish? Don't they know there's a drought in Califonria?"

3. I'm a skeptic. I doubt this ice bucket challenge is doing any good. It's just a silly facebook stunt. Yes, yes. Donations have gone from $2 million at this point last year  to over $100 million to date. But that's just your basic "confusing people with facts" argument. I won't fall for it..

4. I'm self-absorbed. What's in it for me? Will I get a bumper sticker or t-shirt if I participate? All the other dot orgs for the various diseases offer cool premiums like car magnets, visors, and coffee mugs. Granted, the government does kick in money for other more prevalent disease, like $4.8 billion per year for cancer, with diabetes getting a cool $2 billion. Then there's heart disease with $30 billion. Meanwhile, ALS gets a measly $40 million. Not enough for the development of one drug (which would cost $1 billion from conception to finish) much less to provide cool hats and t-shirts, I suppose.

5. I'm a cynic. I think these people hoisting buckets of freezing cold water over their heads and then posting the proceedings on-line are just doing it to get attention. They don't really care about ALS, the show-offs! I bet they enjoyed their moment in the spotlight when the frozen water hit their neck and left them breathless and speechless. They probably don't even know that, for victims of ALS, being breathless and speechless is a permanent  way of life. The disease causes degeneration of the motor neurons in the brain, leaving the patient unable to walk, use their arms to carry, their hands to button and grasp. Eventually, they cannot speak or swallow. Finally, they can only breath with the use of a machine. All of this takes place in about 5 short years from diagnosis.

6. I'm practical. How many disease can I possibly advocate? I have been personally touched by heart disease, cancer, lung disease, auto-immune disorder, HIV/AIDs, autism, mental illness, Alzheimers. I mean, geez! If I dumped a bucket of water over my head for every disease that matters to me, I'd be water logged.

7. I'm not into mob mentality! Everybody and their half-sibling is taking the IBC. Therefore, it's lost its cool factor.  Of course, ALS  doesn't care about cool. It affects athletes, scientists, musicians, politicians, your average Joe and Jane,  youthful twenty-somethings on the verge of life and healthy fifty-somethings on the verge of a new life. If you get it, you  will most likely die. It's not a cool death, not a heroic death.There are no final words, because they can't be spoken. No last breaths, because breathing is machine-operated. No last meal, except what is poured into your feeding tube. No squeezing the hands of loved ones. No last hug for your baby. Your body has become your coffin, and you know it. But, surely maintaining one's cool on the internet is of understandable priority?

8. I'm getting bored with it! Everyone's tired of the videos on FaceTube and YouBook! What sort of person would I be if I contributed to IBC Fatigue Syndrome? Spare me the ice buckets and bring back the Buzzfeed Quizzes! Why should we help raise awareness for Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, aka: Lou Gehrig's Disease, when we need to learn which brand of toothpaste best describes our personality? From what I understand, the ALS community has met the IBC with joy and hope.Finally, FINALLY, this disease, which is considered too rare to merit monies spent on research, is getting attention. With attention comes information. With information comes donations. With donations comes power. But, if all I see are Ice-Bucket Challenges, how am I ever going to learn about the amazing medical powers of the Kumquat? Or what my friends' grandchildren and pets look like at this exact moment?

9. I don't believe in showing off my charitable endeavors. Charity begins at home and should stay there! Hmmph! All these people with their, "Look at me dumping the ice! And look at me writing the check!" What would Dear Abby say? Charity is meant to be discreet. Of course, if we keep it to ourselves, the disease continues to stay in the background, ignored. Although, in truth, it is not ignored. It is probably the one disease people cite when talking about legalizing assisted suicide. Which should tell us all something.

And Finally:

Now, forget everything I said above. Follow you heart. Donate what you feel you can to: ALS.
 If you want to keep the awareness momentum going, dump that ice, ice, baby. And here is your complimentary Vanilla Ice harem pants for doing so!


  1. Hahahahaha!

    (I liked Patrick Stewart's take on the challenge. And Benedict Cumberbatch's.)

    (Yours was good, too!)

  2. It must be very sad to be you!
    You just don't get it.
    You just don't care.