DEPEND ON ME

I've been wasting an entire hour trying to come up with a first sentence far more polite than "WTF?" (Which, if my mother happens to be reading this, stands for What's This Fiasco?) Unfortunately, WTF? is the best I've got. Guess what baby-boomers? We are now the target market for Depend adult diapers. Now, let's not all poop our pants at the same time.

"You had to go there, didn't you?"

Look, I know all too well that our bladders aren't what they used to be. Pregnancy, childbirth, menopause, ailments and injuries all contribute to weakness and frequency that can lead to frantic trips to the ladies'. In fact, in my circle, it's common courtesy to issue a warning prior to the telling of a pee-your-pants hilarious story. For the most part, we all manage to deal with the issue with proper planning, discreet protection products (used during hay fever season in particular) and apps on our phones that direct us to the nearest public facility. In other words, most of us do not need to wear diapers, unless we are one particular NASA astronaut in the process of attempting to kidnap a romantic rival.

We all understand that, for people with more serious issues, Depend and other brands of adult-sized diapers are a godsend. There is no shame in using a product that you actually need. But, a forty-something woman with a few minor incontinence issues does not need to waddle around in a paper pull-up, no matter what the marketers try to tell us.  Besides, if we're going to start diapering ourselves for every little I-sneezed-too-hard-trickle, what's the point to toilet training in the first place?  I fear for what Freud would say.

"What's this fiasco? You've become a nation of anal-expulsive personalities!"

To promote Depend Disposable Panties as the must-have fashion accessory of the season, the brand has hired 48-year-old Lisa Renna. The actress, clad in a skin-tight evening gown and trailed by her glassy-eyed hubby, Harry Hamlin, tells us just how comfy the "panties" feel under her sleek gown.

"As comfy as my career at the moment!"

She turns her rear to the camera to further show that the shape of her "booty" isn't affected at all by the excessive mounds of absorbable paper. Harry doesn't look convinced.

"What are you carrying in there? Or do I want to know?"

The interviewer suggests Harry demonstrate Lisa's allure in her new underwear by giving her behind a husbandly caress.

"There! I touched it. Can I go home, now?"

Lisa then spins toward the interviewer to explain that she is a spokesperson for the brand, but does not need to use Depend Undergarments herself, personally. At all. Ever. Her goal as spokesperson is to eliminate the stigma attached to wearing adult diapers. By denying any association with the product on a personal level, I think she succeeded, don't you?

Regarding the "stigma." First of all, most people who wear the product don't know it. Those who are aware, have far more important things to worry about than whether or not someone is going to find a stack of disposables in their closet and mock them. I hardly think that us baby boomers embracing throw-away undies is going to do much for those who actually need them. Also, it's not going to do a whole lot for this:

Just in case Lisa and Harry haven't convinced us that Depend products are right for you and me, the company brought out the big guns. Sex appeal. Victoria's Secret has nothing on them. Gosh, I wonder if they come in a thong?

Anyway, nice try, Depend. Now excuse me while I put in my order for a Hoveround. Why walk when I can get around on one of these beauties?