Now that Christmas season is over, I have a confession. During the weeks when I should have been building gingerbread houses and searching Pinterest for DIY gift ideas, I was overdosing on those Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. In fact, it got so bad that I got the shakes if I went for more than four hours without a Lacey Chabert or Candace Cameron sighting. Don't judge me! No one warned me that these feel-good flicks are saccharine-based and that, after the initial desire to vomit copiously, you sink into a state of euphoria. I call it The Currier and Ives Effect. It's only now when I'm in recovery that I can see that there is so much wrong - so very wrong - with the Countdown to Christmas flicks.
For example, has anyone noticed that, in Hallmarkland, Christmas is for white people? Out of all the movies shown during the Hallmark Countdown to Christmas, there are exactly zero where the lead character needs a make-up foundation darker than "Tennis Court White." In fact, the towns these stories are set in are as white as a Ben Carson For President rally. What's up with that, Hallmark?
Also, the young women are prone to getting engaged to men they can't stand. These men are always wealthy and successful, yet of deplorable character. Even though the heroine's parents, friends, co-workers, and the guy driving her to the airport don't seem to be happy about the upcoming nuptials, she remains miserably ignorant. She spends the first half hour of the movie shaking her head at his antics, most of which involve brokering dubious deals that will only benefit him. It's always a mystery why these lovely, intelligent, successful young ladies would agree to marry such buffoons. Oh wait....
|"My life is now complete! Um...is it ever summertime, here?"|
|"Isn't it exciting that we've known each other for three days, yet I've already dumped one fiance, got engaged to you, and am giving up my job as corporate attorney to run the Christmas tree stand? What could go wrong?!"|
|"Why, Santa? Why?"|
So, will I go off the wagon next year and mainline this dreck until I need intervention? Of course I will! It's better than blow-up lawn-Santas, Mariah Carey on the sound system at the big-box store, and people griping about Starbucks cups. My only request from the company that asks if we care enough to send the very best is that they go for a little more diversity in the casting. After all, when it's Christmas time, we're all Whos Down In Whoville, are we not?
|Ooops...not much diversity here, either.|