IS FASHION MY PASSION?

I've never been a fashionista, always relying on Coldwater Creek and Lands End catalogs to provide me with practical options.  This means that, on any given day, I either look like I'm ready to crew a sailboat or host a tea party with the other Stepford Wives. Though I have always longed for a signature style, any attempts were futile. I fault Catholic-school uniforms and big-sister hand-me-downs for stunting my personal-style development. Nevertheless, as I am easing on down the road to my 60's, I've decided it's time for me to create my "Silver Look," if you will. Therefore, I have been scanning fashion blogs and Pinterest pages searching for the wardrobe must-haves for the post-menopausal crowd.

Let's begin with The Scarf, a statement seen on many mature women of confidence. The Scarf can be used to camouflage the crepe-neck and double-chin, as well as to distract from the general droopage of the physique. There are 739,841 ways to tie The Scarf, each designed by the guy who invented Rubic's Cube. When it comes to The Scarf, one must never, ever wear it like a Pan Am stewardess from the 70's.

"Bye-Bye!"

In these modern times, The Scarf is meant to be worn like a horse blanket for our boobs. After all, one never knows when a strong Nor' Easter is going to kick up in the middle of brunch!

I call this the "I'm too lazy to pull my sweater on all the way over my shoulders, so I'll just leave it in a huge clump on my neck" look. Isn't it darling?

Of course, one can never forget The Feedbag, which is not only a look, but a multi-tasker! You simply drape this contraption around your neck and fill it with snacks, your lipstick collection, or a change of clothes! You decide! Brilliant!

Last but not least is the look most valuable to those of us in the over-50 crowd. Suffering from whiplash, mumps, or just having a bad neck day? Here's your look!

For me, the bottom line with scarves is that I always think I'm going to look like this:

but, I usually look like this:

No can do.

Moving on, elongated vests are back!  I understand that the fashion industry must surprise us each season with some new mandatory piece that we will rush out to buy, then drop in the Goodwill bin in two years.

But, must this season's de rigueur make us look like we're all starring in Maude! The Musical?

Much like scarves, the point to the knee-length vest is to hide everything that is offensive about the 50+ body to the human eye. Now that we've thoroughly concealed our necks, it's time to cover our posteriors and protruding abdomens. It could be worse. Our ancestors stuffed themselves into girdles or wore mumus. Still, I reject this trend. Though it's pleasant for us to image we will look like this:

We tend to look more like this (minus a maid named Florida.)

Can we talk about chiffon?  It seems we're to drape ourselves in filmy tops and overlays that are completely see-through. Of course, we aren't actually meant to allow ourselves to be seen through. A chiffon top requires the wearing of a thin-strapped camisole. Beneath the camisole, a woman of fashion will wear a sturdy a strapless bra. OK. Stop right there. That's too much work.  Besides, I doubt if chiffon is machine-washable, which means I PASS! Let's not mention that my Catholic school nun, Sister Augusta, would have a thing or two to say if she caught me in sheer fabric in public.

Bloggers have informed me that the over-50 woman must not skimp when it comes to a good heel. Flats? Dowdy and scream, "I'm old and my feet hurt!" Kitten heels only set us up for mockery as they are to heels what skorts are to mini-skirts. We, as women of grace and maturity, can surely relearn how to balance ourselves on a three-inch heel, can't we? After all, they make our calves look good, varicose veins, cellulite,  and all! Unfortunately, my feet have been too pampered by a comfortable shoe for too long to change at this late stage. It's hard enough to stuff them into anything that's not made of canvas, much less a shoe that forces the heels to levitate.

"It's not that I don't find you attractive. It's that, fundamentally, we disagree on some issues."

Ladies? I'm exhausted. Basically, my research has shown that, if I click the heels to my Keds tennis shoes three times, I can find my fashion-sense in my own backyard. Give me a pair of jeans, a cotton shirt, and a nice pair of earrings any day, and I'll tell you there's no place like home. But, you all get to live your own fashion journey. That's the beauty of being 50+.  We can do what we want. Though we might be getting a little hefty around the waist or rear, we've also got a heftier line of credit.  Use it to do your own thing!