Let's begin with The Scarf, a statement seen on many mature women of confidence. The Scarf can be used to camouflage the crepe-neck and double-chin, as well as to distract from the general droopage of the physique. There are 739,841 ways to tie The Scarf, each designed by the guy who invented Rubic's Cube. When it comes to The Scarf, one must never, ever wear it like a Pan Am stewardess from the 70's.
In these modern times, The Scarf is meant to be worn like a horse blanket for our boobs. After all, one never knows when a strong Nor' Easter is going to kick up in the middle of brunch!
I call this the "I'm too lazy to pull my sweater on all the way over my shoulders, so I'll just leave it in a huge clump on my neck" look. Isn't it darling?
Of course, one can never forget The Feedbag, which is not only a look, but a multi-tasker! You simply drape this contraption around your neck and fill it with snacks, your lipstick collection, or a change of clothes! You decide! Brilliant!
but, I usually look like this:
Can we talk about chiffon? It seems we're to drape ourselves in filmy tops and overlays that are completely see-through. Of course, we aren't actually meant to allow ourselves to be seen through. A chiffon top requires the wearing of a thin-strapped camisole. Beneath the camisole, a woman of fashion will wear a sturdy a strapless bra. OK. Stop right there. That's too much work. Besides, I doubt if chiffon is machine-washable, which means I PASS! Let's not mention that my Catholic school nun, Sister Augusta, would have a thing or two to say if she caught me in sheer fabric in public.
Bloggers have informed me that the over-50 woman must not skimp when it comes to a good heel. Flats? Dowdy and scream, "I'm old and my feet hurt!" Kitten heels only set us up for mockery as they are to heels what skorts are to mini-skirts. We, as women of grace and maturity, can surely relearn how to balance ourselves on a three-inch heel, can't we? After all, they make our calves look good, varicose veins, cellulite, and all! Unfortunately, my feet have been too pampered by a comfortable shoe for too long to change at this late stage. It's hard enough to stuff them into anything that's not made of canvas, much less a shoe that forces the heels to levitate.
|"It's not that I don't find you attractive. It's that, fundamentally, we disagree on some issues."|