|Twinkles the Intern|
Hi. I'm Twinkles, and I'm super upset. Like, so upset, I scheduled an emergency session with my Roku practitioner! I said, "I'm here for my Roku session," and he handed me this darling little gadget. I was like, "Um? Aren't I supposed to lie down while you wave your hands over my body?" He said, "Oh! Twinkles, you're talking about Reiki. I'm just here to help you take your Smart TV experience to the next level!" I was like, "But. I'm super-stressed. Which button do I push for a massage?" He said, "You won't need a massage once you find out how many hit shows and movies will arrive to your television with your new Roku device!" I just went, "Oh. My God. You are freaking me out! I just came in here for a metaphysical full-body revival, plus maybe a nail balance, and you're all, 'watch more TV, Twinkles! TV is good for you, Twinkles!'" TV is the reason I'm having a major meltdown!
Have you watched the news, lately? I've caught it at the gym while running on the treadmobile, and it's enough to make you double your Xanax. Like, there's this football player who refuses to stand for "Oh Say Can You See." Who does that? "Hippies, that's who, Twinkles!" says my Uncle Pete, a true patriot who built his fortune on the streets of this country by catching things that fell off the back of trucks. Apparently, Mr. Football does this because he has a grudge against cops. Well, I think there are better ways to handle that than to disrespect my favorite Whitney Houston song! My Uncle Pete, just as an example, has been known to take people he's got a grudge against for a long car ride. After which, they tend to move out of state, never to be heard from again. So, instead of taking a knee, Mr. Football should take me out for drinks so I can share my uncle's wisdom.
Also, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are running for president. They are bad, bad people. At least that's what my Uncle Pete's wife, Aunt Donatella, says. "Twinkles," she told me at Sunday dinner, "that Clinton woman. If she has a recipe for sauce, I promise you the main ingredient is arsenic! And Trump? He's on his 16th wife. Each one younger than the next. Poor Ivana, God rest her soul!" "Ivana is dead?" I asked. "As good as! Death by shame is a prolonged process." All I know is Hillary is like Alex from Modern Family. She's all, "I'm the smart sister. I went to LAWWWW school. I got to be married to Bill Clinton who became governor and then president and then cheated on me but I stood tall and became a senator and secretary of state and am now the first women nominated by a major party for President and, you, Twinkles, can shove that up your old cheerleading skirt!" My boyfriend, Roids McGunshow, said, "Don't worry, babe. She's just jealous of beautiful, sexy women." That is so true! Meanwhile, Donald Trump appreciates us! After all, he runs the Miss Universe Pageant. I don't care what anyone says, he is the true Feminist's Nazi!
|"Ha! Take that Hillary Roosevelt Clinton!"|
|"OMG. Wake me up when your lecture is over, Rose OShannon-McDohicky."|
|"Why can't we all just get along??"|