Thursday, May 4, 2017


When we were in Florida, I noticed a definite uptick in the number of  advertisements for plastic surgery. Soon, the constant drone about cold sculpting and life lifts and sucking the fat out of chins sent me to a mirror to ponder. Though at least one of my chins could do with a little de-fatting, it was the cheek implants that interested me the most. I've never had much in the way of cheek bones, so how fun would it be to finally have batwings on either side of my nose?  Maybe some lip filler and botox to add the extra oomph (or lack thereof, in the case of frozen foreheads.) In fact, why not go for the whole she bangs-she bangs and get the tummy tucked, the butt tightened and the ta-tas tremenda-sized?

I was actually getting excited about the idea of taking out a second-mortgage  to fund my new career as my husband's trophy wife when it occurred to me that it could never happen. I need two Xanax just to get my teeth cleaned and take to my bed for a week after having a splinter removed. I'd require a medically-induced coma for a simple brow lift.  Therefore, I will never reap the wonderful benefits that cosmetic surgery could provide for me. According to the ads:

1. It will boost  your self-esteem! At this stage in my life, I think I'm good. In fact, I probably have enough extra self-esteem to get me through the next 20 years or so. But,  I appreciate the offer to leave my face and body bloodied and bruised for six weeks in order to "feel better about myself."

2. Your  spouse/partner will be thrilled with the New You! Spouse/Partner and I have been married for almost 34 years. He's "thrilled" when he doesn't find a mystery scrape on my car every few months. Let's not spoil a good thing.

3. You will be able to wear all the latest fashions!  I'll pass.

4. You will be the envy of your friends! Isn't that what we all desire? To alienate our friends? Personally, if my friends are going to be envious of me, I want it to be because I'm partying on a yacht with George Clooney and Brad Pitt, not because my forehead is wrinkle-free.

"Oh, grow up!

5. You will look younger!  Well, I can't deny this is a huge selling point. It would be nice, after all, to pass myself in a mirror at the mall and not think, "Who is that old lady? She looks familiar. Except she's put on weight." At the same time, since I'm going to keep aging, (here's hoping!) maybe it would be better to just accept it.

Life is short, even if you live 100 years. So, while we are here, we might as well take charge of the things that we can. I support any woman or man who wants to give aging the middle finger by having a little work done. But, do it for you and you alone. I promise I won't be jealous, unless it gets you invited on George Clooney's yacht.

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