Kristen the Yellow Lab Has Left the Building

If you've reached my age, you've most likely lost a pet at some point in your life. Maybe that "pet" was a pail of tadpoles you scooped out of the local drainage ditch or the praying mantis you collected in a shoe box and fed fresh grass clippings and crumpled leaves for half a day. Maybe it was the best pet in the history of man - a pony. Or the worst pet ever - the rabid raccoon living in your grandmother's potting shed. It doesn't matter. When it died, you cried.

I have no jokes to add. This is a sad blog post. Have your hankies at the ready. Clean ones, preferably.

DEPEND ON ME

I've been wasting an entire hour trying to come up with a first sentence far more polite than "WTF?" (Which, if my mother happens to be reading this, stands for What's This Fiasco?) Unfortunately, WTF? is the best I've got. Guess what baby-boomers? We are now the target market for Depend adult diapers. Now, let's not all poop our pants at the same time.

"You had to go there, didn't you?"

HEIDI ABROMOWITZ HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 28 years old, practically wedged under the seat in front of me in the auditorium, my head between my legs, my hands covering my blazing hot face, my legs squeezed tightly together to contain my bladder. I glanced up at my poor husband, who could only respond with a look that said, "Help!" "Do you douche? Do you DOUCHE?? DO. YOU. DOUCHE??!!!" bellowed the small but imposing lady striding across the stage, pointing to random women in the front row, causing them to convulse and bury their own faces. I might have died that day...if one could actually die from laughter. I was at a Joan Rivers performance.

"I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked." Joan Rivers

ICE, ICE MAYBE ...10 REASONS NOT TO TAKE THE ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

I don't know about you, but the only reason I'd deliberately  toss a bucket of ice water over my head is if I were in the midst of one of those hot flashes that make me feel as if my blood has been replaced by jalapeno peppers. For one thing, clean ice should not be wasted when it is better served chilling my rum and Coke. For another, self-induced hypothermia is not a good look on me. So, when it comes to the ALS Ice-Bucket challenge, pardon me if I give it the cold shoulder. In fact, below are my Top 10 reasons for rejecting this latest internet stunt. Pick the one that best suits you and use it daily!

SPANX FOR THE MEMORIES

Show of hands - how many of you have ever been squeezed to death by a boa constrictor? No one? Well, neither have I, but I think I know how it feels because I recently purchased my first pair of Spanx! For those who do not know, this is the brand name of spandex shape wear that work by sucking your entire mid section into a garment the diameter of a grapefruit. Some of you might wonder why I have resorted to purchasing a pair since I am the author of this little blog post. But, let's face it, some days, a gal just wants to get back to her pre-baby body. Particularly when that baby  is now 23 years old. So, I decided there would be no harm in owning a pair of Spanx for the occasional times when I'd prefer to look like this:

"Diet? Heavens no! I just have a high metabolism."

FACE OFF!

When it comes to Facebook, everyone has an opinion. Either it is a mind-numbing waste of time where the  low-brow among us share the minutia of the day-to-day, or it is a cozy gathering place where friends and family  keep one another company from the farthest corners of the world. It is a den of photos of inebriation and sexploitation, or it is a coffee table of albums of grandchildren and cats. It is the condescending, intolerant postulation of the know-everythings, or the thoughtful, provocative discussion of the earnest. Whatever the viewpoint, there is one thing all Facebook users have in common. We love to gripe about what other people post in THEIR statuses on THEIR pages. In other words, we have become this woman:

"Abner, they're posting duck faces and doing that vague-booking thing again!"