DEPEND ON ME

I've been wasting an entire hour trying to come up with a first sentence far more polite than "WTF?" (Which, if my mother happens to be reading this, stands for What's This Fiasco?) Unfortunately, WTF? is the best I've got. Guess what baby-boomers? We are now the target market for Depend adult diapers. Now, let's not all poop our pants at the same time.

"You had to go there, didn't you?"

HEIDI ABROMOWITZ HAS LEFT THE BUILDING

I remember it like it was yesterday. I was 28 years old, practically wedged under the seat in front of me in the auditorium, my head between my legs, my hands covering my blazing hot face, my legs squeezed tightly together to contain my bladder. I glanced up at my poor husband, who could only respond with a look that said, "Help!" "Do you douche? Do you DOUCHE?? DO. YOU. DOUCHE??!!!" bellowed the small but imposing lady striding across the stage, pointing to random women in the front row, causing them to convulse and bury their own faces. I might have died that day...if one could actually die from laughter. I was at a Joan Rivers performance.

"I was dating a football player. He was so dumb. The man could not count to 21 unless he was naked." Joan Rivers

ICE, ICE MAYBE ...10 REASONS NOT TO TAKE THE ALS ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE

I don't know about you, but the only reason I'd deliberately  toss a bucket of ice water over my head is if I were in the midst of one of those hot flashes that make me feel as if my blood has been replaced by jalapeno peppers. For one thing, clean ice should not be wasted when it is better served chilling my rum and Coke. For another, self-induced hypothermia is not a good look on me. So, when it comes to the ALS Ice-Bucket challenge, pardon me if I give it the cold shoulder. In fact, below are my Top 10 reasons for rejecting this latest internet stunt. Pick the one that best suits you and use it daily!