|"No candy? Redrum her! Redrum!!"|
I made a quick scramble to the pantry to see if there was anything that could pass for a treat. I recognized that kids today would never accept a can of white kidney beans or a single-serving pouch of instant oatmeal in their designer pumpkin totes, so all hope was lost. Of course, in my day, we were happy with whatever we received! Apples with surgically inserted razor blades, a single tootsie roll, homemade popcorn balls that ended up glued to the sides of our paper grocery bags, the toothbrush from the dentist down the street, and pennies from the old man whose house smelled liked mothballs were all considered legitimate treats.
Ten minutes into my plan, I was bored and hungry. I had no choice but to turn on the kitchen light to make myself a snack. Plus, I really wanted to rewatch this week's episode of "This Is Us" on Hulu as my sinuses were not sufficiently cleansed from the crying fest of the first viewing. That's when it hit me! I knew where I could find some treats.... the bathroom medicine cabinet!
Before you call the cops on me for distributing prescription medication without a license, I'm talking about cough drops! I had recently purchased a fresh pack of Wild Cherry flavored Halls! Perfect! They are sweet, sugary, and basically candy for us phlegmy older people with our GERD and our sinuses and our diminished saliva capacity (DSC.) My plan was to greet the adorable goblins and ghouls, distract their parents by asking what they thought of the recent Walking Dead episode, and dip my hand deeply into the child's treat container. I would secretly toss in a handful of Hall's, give the whole thing a stir, snatch a snack-sized chocolate using slight of hand, and then tell the parents I was voting for Hillary so they'd get off my patio right quick.
|"What sort of alien beast are you to speak such evil in Trump country?"|
"Sick with sorrow!" I replied. "We didn't one single trick-or-treater. Not one!"
"Trick-or-treat is tonight?"
"Of COURSE it's tonight! It's Thursday, October 27. When did you think it would be? Anyway, that doesn't matter. Our house was shunned."
"Um," he replied, "Honey? You do remember we live in a 55+ community. There aren't exactly a lot of trick-or-treat age people around here."
|"In this community, we can watch reruns of NCIS on Halloween nightwithout fear of being interrupted by other people's grandchildren!"|