TWINKLES GIVES US THE NEWS

This blog post is brought to you by my new intern blogger, Twinkles! Normally, I wouldn't take on an intern, but her Uncle Pete made me an offer I couldn't refuse. So, PLEASE,  like and share this post as if my your life depended on it.

Twinkles the Intern

Hi. I'm Twinkles, and I'm super upset. Like, so upset, I scheduled an emergency session with my Roku practitioner! I said, "I'm here for my Roku session," and he handed me this darling little gadget. I was like, "Um? Aren't I supposed to lie down while you wave your hands over  my body?" He said, "Oh! Twinkles, you're talking about Reiki. I'm just here to help you take your Smart TV experience to the next level!" I was like, "But. I'm super-stressed. Which button do I push for a massage?" He said, "You won't need a massage once you find out how many hit shows and movies will arrive to your television with your new Roku device!" I just went, "Oh. My God. You are freaking me out! I just came in here for a metaphysical full-body revival, plus maybe a nail balance, and you're all, 'watch more TV, Twinkles! TV is good for you, Twinkles!'" TV is the reason I'm having a major meltdown!

Have you watched the news, lately? I've caught it at the gym while running on the treadmobile, and it's enough to make you double your Xanax. Like, there's this football player who refuses to stand for "Oh Say Can You See." Who does that? "Hippies, that's who, Twinkles!" says my Uncle Pete, a true patriot who built his fortune on the streets of this country by catching things that fell off the back of trucks. Apparently, Mr. Football does this because he has a grudge against cops. Well, I think there are better ways to handle that than to disrespect my favorite Whitney Houston song! My Uncle Pete, just as an example, has been known to take people he's got a grudge against for a long car ride.  After which, they tend to move out of state, never to be heard from again. So, instead of taking a knee, Mr. Football should take me out for drinks so I can share my uncle's wisdom.

Also,  Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are running for president. They are bad, bad people. At least that's what my Uncle Pete's wife, Aunt Donatella, says. "Twinkles," she told me at Sunday dinner,  "that Clinton woman. If she has a recipe for sauce, I promise you the main ingredient is arsenic! And Trump? He's on his 16th wife. Each one younger than the next. Poor Ivana, God rest her soul!"  "Ivana is dead?" I asked. "As good as! Death by shame is a prolonged process." All I know is Hillary is like Alex from Modern Family. She's all, "I'm the smart sister.  I went to LAWWWW school.  I got to be married to Bill Clinton who became governor and then president and then cheated on me but I stood tall and became a senator and secretary of state and am now the first women nominated by a major party for President and, you, Twinkles, can shove that up your old cheerleading skirt!" My boyfriend, Roids McGunshow, said, "Don't worry, babe. She's just jealous of beautiful, sexy women."  That is so true! Meanwhile, Donald Trump appreciates us! After all, he runs the Miss Universe Pageant. I don't care what anyone says, he is the true Feminist's Nazi!

"Ha! Take that Hillary Roosevelt Clinton!"

You know what else? I think Mosquitos have been recruited by the terrorists. For thousands of years, they've been just annoying pests, never really hurting a soul!  All of a sudden, they are making us sick and giving babies birth defects. It's very suspicious if you ask me! My friend, Rose OShannon-McDohicky, says, "You know, Twinkles, mosquitos have been killing people since time began. They are the deadliest animals on the planet, infecting around 240 million people per year with malaria and killing almost half of those. So, it's not a terrorist plot." Just ignore Rose. She's all about "science" ever since she started working at PetSmart.

"OMG. Wake me up when your lecture is over, Rose OShannon-McDohicky." 

Last, but not least,  Brad and Angelina! For a full day after I learned of the demise of Bragelina, I didn't want to live. What's the point of a world where there are two incredibly attractive millionaires who are no longer engaged in conjugal visits? They have a half-a-dozen kids between them, and, yet, they can't make the effort to stay in the same house. My Uncle Pete said, "Now, if I had a woman like Angelina, I'd be on my knees with bouquets of flowers and a full orchestra behind me to serenade that beauty! And I would..."But, we didn't get to hear the rest because Aunt Donatella hit him with a frying pan.

"Why can't we all just get along??"

Well, this has been fun, but Roids and I have clowns to report. Roids and his friend, Belly-Up Steinhager, have joined the official Neighborhood Clown Watch and are on duty tonight. They will be working out of Belly-Up's parents' basement where they will monitor all clown sightings in the area and report them to the Twitter Account @WhereDaClowns. I'm so proud that Roids has become involved in public service! Who knows, maybe someday he will run for president!  As Aunt Donatella says, "Stranger things have happened!"