CHEW THE FAT

When I go out to eat with my favorite women, the conversation always turns ugly. Before we've finished the salad course, we've already registered multiple complaints about the most repulsive thing we know. No, I'm not referring to Donald Trump. (Cheap joke, but I'm on a budget.) I'm talking about our bodies. Our disgust for our physical selves is so extreme, it requires an exorcism. We demand that the power of Botox compel our wrinkles be gone. We drown our faces in the holy waters of expensive creams and engage in the ritualistic waxing of the incubus that is body hair. And, don't get me started on the biggest, baddest demon of them all - FAT.  We are so possessed by FAT that the very act of looking in a mirror or putting on a pair of jeans causes our heads to spin. FAT fills us with self-loathing, while also enticing us to judge others. We can almost hear FAT whispering that it gets it's power from two of the deadly sins: Sloth and Gluttony.  Except, FAT can't talk. If it could, it would say things like, "Let me keep you warm! Is your butt comfy enough on that seat or do you need more padding?" So, if it's not FAT buzzing in our ears, telling us that it makes us ugly, undesirable, and unhealthy, who is?

Oh, hello there, Big Diet! I'm sure we've all met this $70.3 BILLION/per year industry at some point in our lives. After all, it spends a fortune in direct advertising to convince us that the key to a full and happy life is a slimmer waist-line. It's best friends with Big Fashion and has produced offspring in the form of MLM health supplements and juices, as well as enough books to fill a high school library. Big Diet even gets a boost from the medical community with its BMIs and dire warnings that "even being 10 pounds overweight can be a significant health risk!" To which I say:

Look, concern about weight and appearance is hardly new. Personally, I think Eve ate that apple because the snake hissed, "Girl, I know you are meant to be the first mother and all, but, dang! Those are some big-time child-bearing hips. All I'm saying is you might want to lay off the dairy products and try some of this fruit from the tree of knowledge. I'm talking 2 calories a bite. You don't want Adam offering up another rib so he can replace you with a chick who's a little more seraphim than cherubim."

He said I'd lose 25 pounds in just 6 weeks!

The serpent that is Big Diet has been merciless since day one. At one point, women were expected to use soap to fight their weight. How did that work? Suds up, slip under the water, and hold your breath until you become a corpse? After that, the weight will just fall off!

Better still, take up smoking. Nothing is as slenderizing as a good dose of lung cancer.

And then there's the laxatives, because malnutrition is always preferable to not being able to fit into a size 6.

Of course, in the modern era, Big Diet has learned to be kinder, gentler.  The new message is that weight loss is no longer about being slim and attractive. Nope. It's all about:  Gaining control! Feeling fantastic! Being able to eat bread!  We've got relatable spokespersons like Marie Osmond, Kirstie Ally, and the big guns...Oprah. "Look," they tell us, "I'm just like you! My weight struggles are real. I'm just so blessed that they pay me a small fortune to shill for something that actually works!" And we nod our heads and say, "Sign us up!" because FAT must be defeated. We know this because we hear it all day long in many different ways.

"Hello. This is your hourly reminder that what you just ate has CALORIES."

The thing is, we women of a certain age talk a big game. "My goodness, isn't it awful that teenaged girls stick their fingers down their throats and puke up everything they eat in order to stay skinny? And, what in the world is going on with all this bullying, nowadays? Even in grade school, children are so quick to call other children fat. Where could they possibly be learning that? We need to encourage our young women to be body positive! By the way, does anyone want the croutons on my salad? I'm avoiding carbs. I just cannot stand how disgusting I look, lately."
"Oh, no thanks. Too many points. After losing 5 pounds, I actually gained one back.  It must have been that extra dash of creamer I put in my coffee, yesterday. So frustrating!"
"Not me, either. I'm only ordering water. I actually brought my own food because I refuse to go to my class reunion looking like a pig."
"I hear you. I lost 40 pounds in 10 weeks on Doctor's Say It's Healthy diet, so I don't want to take any chances. Did I tell you guys that I lost 40 pounds in 10 weeks on the Doctor's Say It's Healthy diet? I'm having some issues with memory, lately. And a little bit of dizziness.  And shakiness. Is it really, really cold in here? Or is it just me? Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I lost 40 pounds in 10 weeks on the Doctor's Say It's Healthy diet!"

"Gosh. I have no dizziness, memory loss, or inability to stay warm. I must be doing something wrong!"

Look, there's nothing wrong with watching our weight. There is something wrong with obsessing over it. Women of my generation have been trained to do just that, and instead of maturing and rejecting the obsession, we've gotten worse. Part of the reason for that is that we gain more weight and it's harder to lose as we age. This means, we've got our doctors on our case at every yearly physical. But, whenever I meet a woman my age who is not in the category of being morbidly obese (a medical term that refers to a BMI over 40 that does create dangerous health issues) yet, claims they want to lose weight for their health, I do this:

"That's so darling! Starving yourself into a size 6 because of 'cholesterol.'" 

The truth is, we all (this Diva included) want to lose weight because the rewards are powerful and the punishments severe. Hearing the words, "You've lost weight!" is akin to encountering a choir of angels. And, fess up. Who hasn't had a spontaneous orgasm when they've gone down a clothing size?

But, are the punishments that come with diet culture worth it? Let's talk about shame, self-degradation, depression, despair.  Let's talk about passing that burden along to our daughters and granddaughters. When we middle-aged divas obsess over our weight to the point that it's the primo topic of conversation, we are not fighting FAT. We are supporting Big Diet. Our actions and attitudes affect our daughters and granddaughters.  We can't tell that 9 year old with the little bit of tummy that her classmates who call her fat are wrong not to see the wonderful person she is inside when we fail to see the wonderful person inside of ourselves. When we reduce ourselves to our appearance, we reduce all women, including grade school girls, to appearance. When losing a pound excites us but gaining it back can make us feel like failures, what's the point to anything else we do? Sorry to pontificate.

You are forgiven, my child. Except for the orgasm joke. That'll cost you 10 Hail Marys and an Our Father.

Anyway, it's a beautiful first day of October. I'm going to walk down to the local ice cream shop and have some pumpkin ice cream. Guilt-free. Care to join me?

Live a little.