LICENSE TO SWILL wine

As my birthday approaches, (cash gifts accepted) it is time to renew my driver's license. This event always leaves me fraught with worry as I'm sure this is the year the BMV will finally catch onto me. You see, I'm not a good driver. Not only can't I parallel park, I can barely back out of the driveway without leaving a tire-sized trench on the lawn.  Obviously, my anxiety regarding this every-four-year task is greatly misplaced, as all I've ever been required to do is pass an eye exam. So, I finally decided that, this time around, I was going to be calm, cool and collected. Then, they changed the rules on me. Pass the Xanax.

Diva's Little Helper

In case you haven't heard, the Transportation Security Administration is shaking things up. In October of 2020, we will no longer be able to use our trusty old licenses as identification to board domestic flights. Instead, we will need the new Compliant License or State ID. No fancy new license with a star in the corner? It's Amtrak or Greyhound for you.  If you thought those viral videos of folks freaking out while actually ON planes were bad, wait until 2020.  Youtube will need to devote an entire channel to people turned away at Security. I predict many an angry mob.

"If a Standard License was good enough for our forefathers, it's good enough for us! Let us on the plane! Let us on the plane!"

Of course, if you already have a passport, you can just smugly update your Standard License and call it a day. However, if you're like me and haven't renewed that document since the decade when you could actually cross your knees while sitting in coach, you're out of luck. Why is this a big deal?  Let me demonstrate. Here's what I've needed in the State of Ohio for the past 40+ years in order to keep my driver's license kept up-to-date:

My most recent driver's license and my checkbook. That is it.

Now, those two items don't even cut the surface. On the day of the license renewal, we must all have on our persons: a certified birth certificate, proof of our social security number, two documents to verify our  address, and....the clincher for all who took their spouses' names... you have to dig up your old marriage license or certificate. In other words, when we enter our local Bureau of Motor Vehicles, we will all be toting this:

Also, if you thought the wait at the BMV was long before, you ain't seen nothing, yet. Steps for Compliant License: 1. Fill out form at the desk so the clerk can verify you weren't coached. 2. Turn in appropriate documents. 3. Clerk checks documents and compares with intake form. 4. Barely pass eye exam. 5. Answer ridiculous questions like, "Are you addicted to drugs?" 6. Second clerk arrives to repeat Step 3. 7. Submit to a face-recognition scan to certify that the picture on your old driver's license is actually you. 8. Reply "No" when asked to donate $1 to the latest BMV charitable endeavor because they never ask nicely.  9. Clerk takes your picture while your documents are being scanned and sent to some creepy underground government agency that spies on us night and day. Finally, you are released to return to your home, but not before the bureau provides you with "papers" to carry until the arrival, via US Postal Service, of your "star-bearing" ID.

"Star-bearing IDs! Now, what does that remind me of, dahlink? Ohhh.....!"

I'm sure those of you still in the fresh bloom of youth do not understand why I find this so stressful. Let me start by saying my Social Security card disintegrated of its own accord decades ago, and that I have absolutely no clue what happened to our marriage license. If you had attended our wedding, you'd know that even the priest got drunk at the reception, so how can I be sure it was ever filed? What if we aren't actually married, and I've spent 35 years living in sin?  "Calm down and get a passport and a Standard License!" you say? If only it were that simple. There are far bigger issues here than me being able to board an airplane.

"What if we eventually need a Compliant ID at the liquor store? What then??"

Look, this is the way of things, now.  I suppose if we got used to taking our shoes off in the security line, we will get used to this. But, if I have to put so much effort into getting my license renewed, couldn't they give something back? Like, maybe, maybe a little photoshop or our choice of filter for our license photos? Just a thought. 

Happy driving!