GRANDMOTHER SHOPPING WE GO

Now that I'm in my 60's and of age to be a grandmother (Tick-tock, Son. I'd like to be upright and still consuming solids when I become Granny Diva,) I am taking stock of all the Christmas gifts I used to buy for my own two. In those days, grandmothers were not treated as separate entities with distinct personalities and wants. Instead, their gifts were bought in pairs, one for each, from the Grandma Aisle at Montgomery Wards. These simple purchases might not have been glamorous, expensive, or particularly thoughtful. But, they did say, "Grandma, I bought you something," and that's all any Nana, Oma, or Nonna could ask for! Right? Let's peruse Granny's Gift Cabinet:

"I told you she took after your side." 

Dusting Powder: In the 60's and 70's, all grandmothers used dusting powder, or, at least, we thought they did. The scented talcum came in a pretty cardboard container with an enclosed puff. After a bath, the grandmother was to copiously pat the puff over various body parts. This gave her the "Grandma scent" - a combination of lavender and Woolworth's Cosmetics Aisle. Little did we know that, should our Nanas  have actually used the stuff, we'd have sent them to an early grave via talc-related ovarian cancer. Fortunately, most grandmothers found such items "too pretty to open." So, more often than not, the boxes were delegated to Granny's linen closet for future regifting at the Bridge Club's Secret Santa Exchange.

Chocolate-Covered Cherries: This was the ideal grandmother gift. First of all, it often came pre-wrapped at candy stores, thus sparing us that tedious chore. Also, once the grandmother opened the gift and feigned surprise and delight, she could feel magnanimous by passing the box to those gathered around the tree. After the various grandchildren and parents had taken their piece, the grandmother would, with great care, close the lid of the box to preserve the one remaining candy. She would then gently stack it in the pile with her other gifts as if the nearly-empty container was the real treasure. 

The official chocolate of the International Grandmother Society

Senior Picture: Once you were almost ready to step out into the real world, your gifts required a little more thought. Nothing said, "I love you, Grandma" like a picture of yourself. Not just any picture, though! Grandma deserved the very best, and Your Senior Picture, charmingly framed in cardboard, fit the bill. Naturally, it had to be the 8 x 10 in order to compete with the other senior pictures of cousins and siblings. This display-worthy gift fit perfectly on top of Grandma's TV set.

Frame is not dishwasher safe.

House Slippers: In those days, it was against the law to go barefoot in your home. All grandmothers wore slippers.  But, when making such a purchase for your Nan, it was imperative you buy the proper style. No fur-trimmed mules for Grandma. Only slippers of industrial design and comfort would do. One handy trick was to buy her the same color and style each year to replace the old ones because our grandmothers were creatures of habit.

Grandma: "Thank you, dear. Just what I wanted. I shall wear these with my socks when I go out to retrieve the mail."

Night Gown/Robe: As with house slippers, the purpose of this gift was to provide the grandmother with sufficient coverage. Negligees, cute nightshirts, and adorable PJs were not appropriate. Instead, there was always that one special rack that held the perfect nighty that screamed, "Grandma!"

Take THAT, Victoria's Secret!

A Nice Throw: At a certain point, once we saw that Grandma had two dressers full of nightgowns and unopened slippers, a cabinet of "World's Greatest Grandma" mugs, and had developed diabetes, we needed to change tack. Nothing said, "I want you to stay warm, Grammy!" like a nice throw. If you could crochet it yourself, all the better. After all, doesn't every grandchild, no matter how grown, still take pride in saying, "I made it myself!"

"Your grandmother will be proud to keep this fine piece on display, year-round!"

Grandma Plate:  Eventually, we started having children of our own. At that point, every gift becomes great-grandchild-centered. We showed our grandmothers we were thinking of them with  lead-based plates bearing the names of our own children. Grandma might not have been able to use it for anything, but we assumed she could take it out of the china cabinet once a day and gaze lovingly upon it.

Grandma: Who the hell are these people?

Anyway, no matter what we gifted them, our grandmothers didn't mind. Really, they just wanted our time, and conversation. As for me, I'll let my future grandkids know that a nice bottle of Pinot Grigio or an Amazon gift card will go a long way to making Grandma's Christmas merry and bright!

Want more Invisible Diva Christmas reads? Check out:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS: WAR IS OVER

ADVISE FROM MISS PEARL CLUTCHER

HALLMARK: WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH TO SEND THE BEST CHEESE