THE SNOWBIRD CHRONICLES: WINTER HAS COME (AND GONE)

One problem with being a snowbird is you can't complain about the weather on social media. If you try, people up north will flag your status for "unusual cruelty."  In truth,  there is something a little silly about griping because it's 59 degrees (with a windchill of 44!!) when folks in your hometown are getting  ice cream headaches just from opening their front door. Therefore, it's important for potential Snowbirds (aka Egglings) to know what they are getting into should they spend one of the rare cold Januarys in the Sunshine State.

Don't forget your sunscreen!

When we arrived in Florida at the start of a seven-day cold stretch, we did not care. "Hey! At least there's no snow, and it's still warmer here. Plus, we've got the beach." After two days  of walking on said beach in a long-sleeved shirt, hoody, winter coat, and wool hat, it lost its charm. Besides, that breeze off the Gulf sounded suspiciously like the howling winds of a blizzard. By day four, I was spending so much time checking Accuweather, in the hopes of a miraculous change in the forecast, that Siri no longer asked how she could help. She just kept repeating, "I'm sorry. I'm so very sorry." Towards the end, when supplies were running low,  I conserved energy by huddling on the sofa watching Netflix and slurping down the last of the wine.

Then, just like that, I woke up to the familiar brilliant blue of the Florida sky, the sound of the gulls trying to steal the pelicans' food, and the sight of an osprey sailing past my window with a live fish wriggling in its talons. "Florida!" I shouted (as I've been instructed to do by Floridian friend, Janey,  whenever I have anything to say about her state, good or bad.) For three glorious days, I was tricked into believing it had all returned to normal. I shoved the jeans in the back of the closet, hung up the coat and windbreaker, whipped out the shades, and made plans to eat on the sun-drenched patios of every restaurant in town.

It will be sunny and warm forever and ever!

Not so fast. Before I knew it, the weather people on the local station were bragging about "another cold front!"  I drove to the nearest Publix to stock up on toilet paper, bread, and wine, as is the tradition in Ohio. The cheerful check-out clerk asked, "How are you doing, today?" I replied, "Well, I could be better. What is with this awful, cold weather this year?"

Like a record needle skidding off an LP, The Muzak came to a dead halt.  The clerk shouted into her microphone, "Woman in aisle four complaining about our weather. Repeat. Woman in aisle four with a weather issue. Security!" Every shopper stopped in their tracks and gaped at me as the clerk said, "We LIKE this weather around here. Understand?"
"Yes!" I anxiously responded, "It's....refreshing! I mean....FLORIDA!"
The Muzak started back up, the shoppers returned to their shopping, and the clerk let me go with just a warning. (Thanks, Janey.)

I decided I needed a change of attitude, so immediately returned to the beach. It was, indeed, a lovely walk, despite the fact that the blanket I was cloaked in got bogged down with surf and sand. I decided it would be best if I engaged in indoor hobbies for the duration of the "Very rare, very unusual, never happens here" cold spell. I'm proud to announce I reached level 2,468 in Candy Crush and caught up on several soap operas I haven't watched since college.  See? Sometimes, cold weather is nature's way of telling you that Genie Francis has returned to General Hospital!

"I was captured and kept on a remote island for 30 years, then spent another 10 years in a coma. But, it's all good!"

Then came the official "coldest night of the year, with windchill factors in the 20's,  and a howling wind that sounded eerily like the opening sound track to "Dark Shadows." I decided to make the best of it. I tucked myself into bed, opened my Kindle, and promptly fell asleep. (Yep. I'm 60.)  The next morning, I got up to use the bathroom, and nearly jumped out of my skin when I sat upon the commode. Have you ever sat on a block of ice? Neither have I, but I think this came close. I brushed it off as a lack of proper insulation. Florida! The same excuse crept through my mind as I added a hoodie to my layers, then curled up on the sofa with a blanket to watch The View.
"Brrrr," I thought, "It really is cold out! But, wait. I'm inside. And we have heat,  and yet....." 
I used my sleuthing skills to uncover the uncomfortable truth....the heat wasn't working! After calling the rental agency, I phoned the husband, who spent the week of the Big Chill working back in Ohio.
"If they can't get the heat fixed, will I die from hypothermia?"
"What's the temperature in the condo right now?"
I wandered to the thermostat, draped in every quilt I could find within a 1000 sq. foot vicinity. "66 degrees, "I reported."
"I think it's safe to say you won't die from hypothermia in the next 24-36 hours."
"Are you sure? Maybe I should take the next flight back to Ohio where we at least have a gas fireplace and ALL OF MY SWEATERS!! Oh, wait. Someone's at the door. Stay on the line in case it's a Scientologist. Oh, it's the guy to repair the heating system. He just pushed some button and THE HEAT CAME ON! I'm saved! OK. Enjoy the snow and bitter cold. See you Sunday when the temperatures are back in the 70's!"

Actual footage of me when the heat came back on!

And, indeed, the temperatures did return to the 70's. The jeans are in the back of the closet, the hoodies stuffed away in the drawer, and I've invested in sun screen. FLORIDA!