PEG OF OUR HEARTS: GOOD GRIEF

A friend of mine once said, "If you are lucky, you will bury your elderly parents." While that's not motivation to carry a rabbit's foot, it makes perfect sense. The alternative is we leave this earth before they do or lose them when they are far too young. So, my sisters and I consider ourselves fortunate. Our father lived for almost 80 years and our mother for 87. She died on November 30, 2018.

We sisters loved our beautiful, glorious mother beyond reason, and we miss her. But, as she had no tolerance for pity parties (unless there was an open bar,) we know better than to wallow in our grief. Mom would say, "Why are you sitting around feeling sorry for yourself? If you don't have anything better to do, I'll FIND something for you to do!" So, I guess it's time I write a blog post.

One thing people remember about our mother is that her social skills were impeccable. Mom always handled herself with grace and aplomb. No matter her role, be it hostess, neighbor, wife of the boss, or life-long friend, her objective was to make sure people were comfortable in her presence. So, in her honor, I shall write the occasional post sharing her wisdom regarding how to conduct oneself in various social situations. As it is apropos, I'll begin with  Peg's Rules of Thumb: Funeral Etiquette.

"There are rules? I thought all I had to do was show up and look darling!"

For the record, every person who offered condolences to my sisters and me were gracious and kind, and their thoughtfulness was appreciated more than they can  know. But, lately, as we are of the age when more of our friends and family are dealing with loss, I've been hearing funeral-home horror stories that would have Peg spinning in her urn. In order to avoid that calamity, simply do not behave like the following people:

1. Sally Sobstory:  This is the person who shows up to receive condolences rather than pay them. Sally arrives, tissues in tow, already mid-hysteria. "I know exactly what you are going through," she wails to the bereaved. "When my father died five years ago, it was just awful. Let me relay every detail so you can understand MY grief journey." Eventually, Sally makes a public announcement that she simply must leave, as being in a funeral home brings back too many unwanted memories.

"I've been triggered!

Peg's rule of thumb: Remember that it's not about you.

2. Olivia Oblivious: Here's the guy or gal who behaves as if they've walked into a college reunion rather than a memorial. They approach the bereaved, "Hey, girl! You look great. Have you lost weight? What have you been up to?" After they share a batch of pictures from their iPhone of grandchildren and vacations in exotic locales, they move on to network with the rest of the crowd. If drinks were served at funeral homes, Olivia would be the one leaving her gin and tonic on the edge of the casket and a business card in the corpse's hand.

"Thanks so much for having us!"
"We MUST do this again!"

Pegs rule of thumb: First, offer condolences to those closest to the deceased.  Then,  let them take the lead when it comes to small talk, as many family members are too exhausted and numb to carry on a casual conversation.

3. Platitude Pam: Pam's of the world mean well, but they must be told that a person who has recently lost someone dear to them might not want to hear the following:  She's in a better place. God needed him.  It's the circle of life. You will see her again! 
                                   
                                  And NEVER share this gif to someone grieving. Ever!!

Peg's rule of thumb: Keep your own religious beliefs out of it. Remember that the deceased miss their loved one and are still processing how they will live without the person. Let them decide if the time is right to think, "I know he's in heaven with his parents."

Comedian Carl: It's not uncommon to see people laughing at funeral homes. An affectionately funny tale about the deceased can break tensions, make loved ones feel closer, and ease the pain of grief. Coming from a predominantly Irish family, I understand the value of a good wake. But, the Carls of the world, much like the Olivia's, seem blissfully unaware that there are people in deep mourning just a few feet away from them. They loudly regale the crowd with hilarious story after hilarious story, none of which have anything to do with the deceased or the family. Eventually, Carl will announce that all his friends, new and old, should retreat to the nearest pub to continue the merry-making. 

It's time to parrrrrtay!

Peg's rule of thumb: Be respectful.

5. Boss-Man Barry: This is the employer who, after offering appropriate sympathy, says to the employed, "Oh, by the way. When you get back, we need to talk about the October sales figures. Also, I want to schedule a meeting with the staff, so let me know what day will work for you. Oh, and before you left, did you happen to get that marketing report done?"

Really? REALLY??

Peg's rule of thumb: Don't. Do. This.

So far, my siblings and I have yet to encounter the above-mentioned funeral attendees. For those who have, the best thing to remember is that they didn't mean any harm and wanted to make some sort of effort. For those who get nervous about what to say or do when a friend has lost a loved one, a simple, "I'm so sorry for your loss," means the world. Also, if you are lucky enough that she's still around, go call your mother.

Peg of our hearts
1931-2018