GRUMPY OLD DIVA - FACEBOOK EDITION

I'm old enough to remember when Facebook was fun. Ten years ago, when everyone was still in a fairly decent mood, you could log onto your page and discover a wealth of information about family, friends, former high-school classmates, your dentist, and that strange couple who live around the corner. Those were the glory days when we all simultaneously changed our profile pictures to giraffes and debated whether that dress was blue or gold. But, times, I'm afraid, have changed. Ladies and gentlemen, Facebook has lost its mojo, and I'm here to announce it is the fault of one generation, and one generation, only. I refer, dear readers, to the Baby Boomers. Now, you all might ask:

Well, for starters, we chased away the younger generations. The thing about Boomer Privilege is we think we fit in everywhere we go. So, when our children got on MySpace, we did, too! (I still have fond memories of my very first sparkly unicorn background and selecting "Arthur's Theme" as my personal song.) So, the youngsters moved to Facebook, and we did, too! Three guesses as to what happened next.

Honey? Can you take a picture of me making these neato  hand gestures for my profile picture? Then, can you show me how to make a profile picture?

So, since it's down to just us old folks, I have a few requests that might help enhance our experience. First of all, can we cool it with the "I grew up in a time when life was just like The Waltons" memes? You know the ones I'm talking about. "We chased fireflies until dark, ate meals as a family, went to church on Sunday, and watched wholesome TV shows together. Like and Share if you grew up when childhood was one part Mayberry and another part Brady!"  First of all, if your own children didn't get a Wonder Years version of childhood, whose fault is that? Hmmmm?

Secondly, it wasn't all that. We played outside because there was literally nothing else to do. TV was crap. We had exactly three channels, unless you lived near a big city that offered fuzzy UHF. Staying in your room and reading a book was not an option because parents feared this anti-social tendency would turn us into hermits. If there was even one child, no matter their age or social status, standing around outdoors, our parents would toss us right out there with them. "Get out there and play with Pink-Eye Paul and don't come back in the house until you are covered in filth and bug bites!" As for  Sunday church? Raise your hand if that was the actual highlight of your week, and I will start a Go-Fund me for your therapy sessions. I might also point out that adults truly did not want us around. For proof, look no further than these:

Speaking of memes, is it really necessary for us Boomers to post things that make us sound like old grandpappies puffing on corn cob pipes while sharing the hard-earned wisdom of age? "Kindness reaps its own rewards, and it is absolutely free." "Find the good in all things, for, only then, are we truly wealthy." "The rain today will be the blooms of tomorrow!" Pfffft. No wonder our kids are running, screaming, to other social media platforms (to which we have not been invited!) Since FB is basically Boomers, we should be posting memes about things like reverse mortgage (scam), retirement investments, and how to recover from knee surgery. 

Remember: "It's never too soon to start using your AARP  card." "Movies are a slice of life. Enjoy one every Tuesday when most theaters offer a Senior discount." "Friends are a treasure. Make sure to give yours a copy of your emergency contacts, DNR, and Living Will."

By the way, does anyone here remember the heady days of AOL email exchanges? Whoo boy! What a hoot! We sure shared a lot of nonsense in chain mails back then, didn't we? Remember passing around the one about the men waiting in parking lots to spritz us with perfume, which was actually chloroform, so they could knock us out, drag us to their cars, and murder us? Remember the one about Neiman Marcus charging $5,000 for their chocolate chip cookie recipe? Or the one about how you should never flick your headlights at a car that is driving without theirs turned on at night because it's actually a gang initiation? Remember that? And remember how we learned it was all just fake nonsense, and we laughed and said, "We'll never fall for that, again?" Well, then WHY ARE THE EXACT SAME *WARNINGS* SHOWING UP IN MY TIMELINE! Stop it. This is why our kids are ready to take away our car keys.

No, Mom. Bill Gates is not going to give you a million dollars for liking and sharing a post. 

Finally, we need to discuss the grandchildren. I think it's high time we start a 12-step program for Grandchildaholics. If you can answer "yes" to these questions, you might be a sufferer. Do you post several pictures of your darlings every day, even ones from 5 years ago? Do you frequently post sparkly memes about the joys of grandparenthood? Do you follow grandparenting groups that discuss such heavy topics as, "Help! My Daughter Won't Let Me Pick Out My Grandchild's Pre-School!" and  "4 Out of 5 Grandparents Agree: Cookies Before Dinner Will Not Hurt Them!"? If so, you might need an intervention.

Smile! This is going on Facebook! Granny wants her friends to know you just love school!

Look, the bottom line is that Facebook has gone from being a way for college students to interact with one another to being the means of communication amongst people over 50. So, fellow old people, since it's now our platform, maybe it's time we have some fun!