PANDEMIC PLANNER

Hello, world! I report to you from The Land of Social Distancing, where time is meaningless. While it would be easy to slip back into our bad habits from college, when we stayed up playing cards until 4:00 a.m. then slept through all of our morning classes, this is an era in history when we must use our time as wisely as we use our toilet paper. For this reason, I offer you my quarantine schedule. Follow it, and you will be an efficient, multi-tasking Gallant:

Rather than a time-hoarding Goofus:

So, without further ado:

My Corona Daily Agenda

9:00 a.m.  Morning alarm.  Hit the snooze button because there is absolutely no reason to get out of bed at such an ungodly hour during a pandemic. Leave those nasty worms for the early birds. We divas shall thrive on dreams and beauty rest.

10:00 a.m. Rise and shine! Now is the time to shower, do your hair and make-up, and dress as if you are a star on The Real Housewives of the CDC. "But, why?" you ask, "The only people who will see me have been wearing the same pajama pants for a week." Excuse me! Have we forgotten that we have an important daily brunch date at 11:00 a.m. with a certain GOVERNOR OF NEW YORK?

"How YOU doin'?"

10:30 a.m. Prep for the brunch. Set up a lovely banquet on your coffee table complete with a pitcher of Bloody Marys. Remember to plate the food properly. We might be in the middle of a pandemic, but we are not animals!
11:00 a.m. Enjoy the vitamin-rich tomato juice spiked with virus-killing vodka while listening to The Godfather of Our Hearts rattle off statistics and scientific data like an extra from On the Waterfront who happens to have a post doc in epidemiology.  Feel comforted and cared for as he interweaves charming family stories with dire WHO predictions. Try not to swoon whenever he says "ventilators" like a naughty Italian waiter whispering in our ears.

12:00 p.m. Google "Cuomo/Kennedy marriage" for research purposes. You never know when the facts regarding the fall of Cuomolot will be useful during a global crisis. If you are so inclined, you might also google, "Chris Cuomo shirtless," also for research purposes.

"I have now collected all the necessary data and will review extensively."

1:00 p.m. Time to clean! In the case of a viral epidemic crisis, cleanliness is next to Fauci-ness. Follow these tips: Fill a pitcher with 1 part Vodka and 3 parts tonic. Place 1 cup in a spray bottle and use on every surface in your home for disinfectant purposes. Then, please do not forget the golden rule of pandemics: Waste not, want not. This cleaning solution is perfectly safe to drink, so: Hydrate! Hydrate! Hydrate!

"For a sparkling home and personality!"

2:00 p.m.  Exercise is paramount to our health. Now is a great time to learn Yoga! I've spent the last few weeks watching how-to videos on the Youtube. I'm getting better at it every day, and maybe, by next month, I'll actually try a pose or two. Meanwhile, using some light hand weights is a useful way to stay toned.

3:00 p.m. Time for Intellectual stimulation. Some people brag that they are learning a language or a craft. Others are taking on-line college classes in coding, economics, political science, and public health. Personally? I'm learning how to play Animal Crossing while studying the collective works of Jackie Collins.

I am definitely getting an education! Oh my!

4:00 p.m. Independent Study. This is where you get credit for expressing your views on the various social media platforms. The more trolls you attract, the higher your grade. I get so many to my Twitter feed that I most likely qualify for a graduate degree in Social Outrage.

5:00 p.m. Dinner. If you are a good citizen, you will be ordering food for pick-up from your local establishments. Please pair each meal with the appropriate wine. An international crisis does NOT negate your responsibility to the palate.

6:00 p.m. Cocktail hour. Time to Zoom friends and family while toasting with your favorite adult beverage! This is a great opportunity to catch up on everyone's news of the day. Some conversation starters: How many naps did you take? Are you showering every other day or are we all down to once a week at this point? Have you tried to fit into your jeans?

7:00 p.m. to 1:00 a.m. Crank up the Netflix, uncork yet another bottle of wine, and enjoy episodes of Tiger King, Love Is Blind, Ozark, Outlander, those British shows you need to watch with the closed-caption on. Top off the night with any show about serial killers, because, at this point, no one is scared of them.

This guy, on the other hand?

1:00 a.m.  Stagger to your bedroom,  Promise yourself that, tomorrow, you are going to get up to see the sunrise, get in a 5k run before breakfast, learn to make face masks, make a loaf of bread, write a poem singing praise to your incoming grey roots, read Ulysses, shave your legs, maintain a meat-and-alcohol-free diet, and use your television for the sole purpose of viewing educational documentaries.  Then, tell yourself, "You're drunk. Go to sleep."

You all stay safe and healthy out there. You hear?