THE DIVAS GUIDE TO THE COLONOSCOPY

 Once you become a Diva of a Certain Age, there is one group that swarms you like paparazzi on a pop star. Much like denizens of Hollywood, we are suddenly in demand for screenings, shots, scripts, gowns, and even the occasional nude scene. Divas, we are, at long last, the darlings of the medical community!

"I'm ready for my close-up, Dr. Kildaire."

Suddenly, we are on a first name basis with our physician, the lab tech, the pharmacist, and the clerk in the "Safety Products for Seniors" section of the big box store. We get blood tests for an entire alphabet of reasons. We take blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, heart, hormone, blood-thinning, and bone-building medications. We line up for the flu shot, pneumonia vax, shingles vax and, now, the COVID vax. But, there is that one test - the Cecil B Demille Production of all screenings - that we avoid like a bad review.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....

THE COLONOSCOPY!

The first time I was invited by my physician to participate in this vaguely obscene production, I was barely 50 years old. I was hardly a prude, as I'd already bared my breasts for mammograms and spread my legs for PAP tests. But, the preparation for the role of "Patient A," the one who gets a camera shoved up her backside, seemed a bit too undignified and beyond my comfort zone. I graciously declined.

Through the years, my doctors persisted, even going so far as to set up an audition with the surgeon who would be filming my bowels (hopefully in a flattering light). I promptly cancelled that and ate an entire bag of Cheetos for my trouble. "But, it will be good for you," said one physician. Fasting, drinking an entire bucket of a laxative, and "evacuating" my colon would be good for me? Where did he hear this? From Gwyneth Paltrow?

"A clean, shiny colon is this season's must-have accessory!"

This year, at the age of 63, I was determined to tell my physician, once and for all, that I was done with the persistent recommendation. I had a proper speech prepared in which I was going to announce that this little film was never going to happen. But,  I was blindsided. "I need you to get the colonoscopy. I'm not taking no for an answer. A few hours of discomfort can save you a year or more of extremely uncomfortable treatment for cancer. Let's stop making excuses." Well, I never! Does she know who I am?? I lifted my nose in the air and replied:

One of the reasons people avoid this procedure is they fear the prep. We've all heard the warnings. "If you can survive the prep..."  "The prep is HORRIBLE...." "I'll never have one, again, because of the prep!" And we are left to think, "Childbirth is rough, but at least we get a tax write-off for our troubles. Why suffer when there's no gain?"

The culprit

However, since I'd already committed to the thing, I decided I'd get through it much as one gets through a bad case of  dysentery.  As in: whine, moan, pant, weep copiously, and pray for death. No big deal.  So, on the day before my procedure, I awoke to begin the process.  I kept detailed notes of my trauma:
8:00-10:00 - drank one 16 ounce glass of ice water and ate two containers of Lime Jello while watching GMA. Began black coffee infusion. Thought about buying cute top on Amazon.
10:00-11:00 - Continued coffee while watching Hoda and Jenna. Checked social media and got into argument with a fool on Twitter who claimed Adam Lambert is a talentless hack. Due to the fool's limited vocabulary,  his only response to my succinct and compelling argument was, "OK, BOOMER!"  Blocked and reported for agism!
11:00-12:00 - Another round of water while watching The View. Cancelled Meghan McCain in the process.
12:00-4:00 - A feast of popsicles and Gator-Ade! Watched several episodes of The Real Housewives of New York and realized, for the first time, how much these gals eat! 
4:00-6:00 - Another dose of delicious, delicious water followed by a three Jellos devoured without even using a spoon.  Face-book stalked several people. Reported any and all who displayed photos of meals in their feed.
6:00 - THE PREP. I had to drink a 16 ounce concoction in 15 minutes. I poured it into my water bottle, and took 10 sips at a time with a breather in between. It tasted like grape popsicles! I proudly finished the drink in under 14 minutes and shouted to husband, "I'm OWNING this!"  Now, I had to drink two more 16-ounce glasses of water in 45 minutes.  Let's just say that by the time I got them both down, I was ready to give up putting anything in my stomach for the rest of my life. At this point, I moved to Evacuation Central: aka: the toilet.

Treat yourself!

7:00- whenever - This is the part where your colon purges things that have been in there since your high school graduation. The good news is, unlike childbirth, you don't have to do a dang thing. Ladies? There's no pushing in colon cleansing. Nature takes its course. I came fully prepared.  I had downloaded a few episodes of one of my favorite shows to my phone (Schitt$ Creek, as I thought that was apropos,) had my earphones at the ready, and, to paraphrase Chris Hansen, "took a seat."

Recommended Evacuation Viewing

10:30 - Bedtime! Naturally, I didn't sleep. To pass the time, I caught up on Meghan and Harry, Brad and Angie, and JLo and ARod on TMZ. 
4:30 a.m. - Second round of prep. Let's just say this one went faster.  I was barely done with my first glass of water after the prep dose before it was time to find that golden throne! It was short, sweet, and painless. Now, I just had to hang out until it was time for my appointment. 

8:30 - I went into the surgery center wearing a cute mask to coordinate with my hospital gown. I knew that this part of the journey was going to provide me with the best nap of my life (Propofol-induced.) I was gowned, IVed, and wheeled into the room. I turned onto my side, as requested, place my hand with the IV attached on the bed rail, and listened as the people in the room talked about the best place to get steak in Chicago. Um...hello? Your starving patient can hear you. A little bedside manner, please.  The anesthesiologist approached with the glorious Propo.......

10 seconds later (by my estimate) - The doctor is standing in a doorway saying, "It went well and blah blah blah."  One second later, I opened my eyes to see  the nurse smiling at me. "You're awake!" I asked her if the doctor had been here. She told me he had been there fifteen minutes ago, but patients never remember. She'd go over it all with me. "So, do I have cancer?" I asked.

Another reason people don't get colonoscopies is because they fear bad news from the results. Your life is puttering along just fine, then you randomly make the appointment to finally get that screening.  In the time between the insertion of the Propofol in the IV to when the doctor is standing in the room giving the results, everything can change. On the way to my appointment, I thought, "Well, in a few hours, I''ll either be eating the biggest breakfast I've had in ages or dealing with the worst news of my life." Actually, I'd already decided I was still eating a pile of scrambled eggs and hash browns, no matter what. Plus, wine was on the menu for dinner - that was non-negotiable.  If the news was not positive, I'd think about it tomorrow.

Fiddle-dee-dee!

The nurse explained to me that everything went well. But, they had removed a small polyp. It was not a malignant adenocarcinoma (fantastic news!) but would be biopsied to determine how frequently I'd require screenings. A hyperplastic polyp is benign, and a patient who encountered that would be back to the every-ten-year schedule. Adenomas are pre-malignant polyps with varying degrees of risk for colon cancer, depending on the type and size.  The biopsy would tell all, but, meanwhile, I was free to go! And eat!!!

As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry, again!

I had my follow-up two weeks later, and learned that my polyp was a pre-malignant adenoma, small in size. Now, I'll be able to enjoy the dreamy experience of Propofol every 5 years, rather than 10.  Other than that, I was informed I had a "clean colon!" Take that Gwyneth and all you colon-cleansing fanatics. What's my secret? Find out when I start my own Instagram Influencer account! 

"Cleans colons, brain cells, and provides a youthful flush (no pun intended.)"

Naturally, there's a moral to this story. If it had taken me another several years to finally break down and get a colonoscopy, I would have woken up from it to that "worst news of my life" mentioned above. And, because of the way the universe works, I could not go back in time to fix that mistake.  The worst part of a colonoscopy prep lasts only a few hours. Avoiding those few hours can lead to regret that lasts for the rest of your life.  Do it, Divas!

For more information regarding colorectal cancer and the new screening guidelines, 

click HERE