RESOLVE NOT TO RESOLVE

For a diva of a certain age, coming up with a list of New Year's resolutions becomes more of a challenge with each passing decade. In part, it's because, frankly dear reader, we do not give a damn. But, it's also imperative that we use our limited time on this earth wisely. That's why I did my research and googled the Ten Most Popular NYRs, weeding out the useless and the time-wasting. I present to you my results:

Disclaimer: Not a peer-reviewed study

 1. Lose weight. Hello, old friend! I remember this resolution from way back when I was 30 years old and weighed the equivalent of a wet golden retriever. In those days, dieting meant limiting a daily dish of ice cream to one scoop, getting the small order of fries, and using diet soda in my Rum and Coke. Now, I'd need a monthly colonoscopy and several stomach bugs in between to make similar progress. 

2. Exercise more:  Have you seen the MRI's of our knees? "But, Diva! There are low-impact workouts that are perfect for the senior population!" Hush! Besides, at my age, putting a fitted sheet on the bed, hoisting myself out of the bathtub, and yelling at kids to get off my lawn exerts more energy than one of those fancy Peloton torture sessions favored by the  youngsters. 

This will do.

3. Spend more time with family and friends: Well, that negates the above two resolutions because when I am with family and friends, we do three things: Sit, eat, talk.  Sometimes, we do four things: Sit, eat, talk, drink booze.  What to do?

"Let's compromise. We'll talk about diet and exercise over wine and cheesecake!"

4. Learn a language: Why? Have you never heard of Google Translate? Besides, if I really want to spend my senior years conjugating verbs, I better be doing it while tipping the handsome pool boy who delivered  another margarita to my Mediterranean-side cabana.  

No hablo. 

5. Drink less alcohol: Oh, honey. 

6. Read the classics: Great idea. I'll waste my declining years being creeped out by Heathcliff's unhealthy obsession with Catherine and wondering why Mr. Darcy was such a socially awkward weirdo. No thanks. At my age, a good old-fashioned Jackie Collins (paired with a good old-fashioned Tom Collins) is all the stimulation I need, intellectual or otherwise.

Has Netflix adapted this into a series?

7. Learn a new hobby: No need. I already have several. I am an avid collector of books I may or may not read on my Kindle as well as a connoisseur of the finest boxed wines available at the Costco. In my spare time, I use skills honed from my high-school Psyche 101 class to diagnose the various woman in the Real Housewife franchises. As if that's not a full day of activity, I am currently president of the local chapter of the Try Not To Kill the Houseplants Society. I just do not know where I can squeeze in another hobby!

Unless it involves getting high off of airplane glue.

8. Save money: For what? My funeral? My motto: Leave your heirs disappointed and angry at the reading of the will. It builds character.

Granny needs a new pair of house slippers.

9. Limit time on social media: And deprive family and friends of my bon mots? What kind of monsters are you? 

"The Invisible Diva hasn't posted in days. Call the authorities!"

10. Take college classes/go back to school: This is darling suggestion, but I fear I'm still on academic probation from my first stint at this 46 years ago. Best to stick to Wikipedia. No chance of getting wasted at a frat party or crushing on a super cute professor. Come to think of it......hmmmm?

"I have a question. When's Happy Hour at the Student Union?"

As you know, this is tongue-in-cheek. In truth, my hope is that you all make plans, create goals, reach for the sky!  My wish is that do your best to stay healthy in 2022. My desire is that you learn to find happiness in the small things. Peace to you all in the new year.