AGING DISGRACEFULLY

 As a diva of a certain age, I find I am confused by the concept of "aging gracefully." Supposedly, it's to do with women forgoing trips to the stylist for a color and highlight; refusing to have a little work done to remove fine lines and wrinkles; embracing the granny bod by investing in good pieces from Chicos; and going with a muted lipstick. I'm here to tell you that if a few silver strands and some well-earned laugh lines were all I needed to be graceful after age 65, I would be a ballerina! Unfortunately, Mother Nature has put tremendous effort into making us as graceless as possible.

Curses, my pretty! 

Have we discussed our feet? Remember the days when, like Cinderella, we could simply tuck them into adorable little shoes with heels and open toes, dancing off to work or school or the carpool line? Now, like the evil step-sisters, we clad them in thick-soled, flat-heeled, over-sized clod hoppers. Obviously, this is not due to vanity (though those wonky toes along with the heels that require a sandblaster to smooth are best kept under cover). We need those shoes to avoid being crippled from engaging in the dangerous sport of "walking around." 

And don't get me started on our gaits. Just to remain upright, thanks to worn-out hips and tired knees, we often take to walking like a penguin. There's also what I call the sixty's shuffle, which involves keeping your eyes planted on the ground to avoid any and all potential tripping hazards while barely lifting your feet. Personally, I prefer the "lean forward and move both arms like a locomotive" style to get me where I need to go. You're going to tell me there are plenty of oldsters who still run marathons and hike the Appalachian Trail. I'm going to tell you they've made a deal with the devil. 

We wobble so we don’t fall down! 

That reminds me. Where is the Tooth Fairy now that we really need her? I haven't lost this many teeth since first grade! It would be one thing if I could boast they were knocked out while playing hockey.  But, no. I lost one tooth whilst chewing on a gummy vitamin for seniors. Not long afterwards, I fractured a front tooth by biting into an ear of corn. These are the same teeth I brushed religiously to maintain their hygiene, tolerated braces for four years so they'd stand in a tidy row, and doused with Pearl Drops Toothpaste to whiten and brighten. And they repay me by jumping ship if I so much as tap one with my wine glass?  While I'm grateful not to look like a Jack-O'-Lantern, thanks to modern dental options, it amazes me that the same teeth I used to rip open chip bags have become so delicate in their old age.

What? Me worry?

By the way, where oh where have our eyebrows gone? Most Boomers grew up post-Joan Crawford's weighty brows but pre-Brooke Shield's feathery ones. We plucked and pruned ours into thin, horizontal commas. If only we'd known that in just 40 short years, all those brows we tediously tweezed every week would disappear, forever. The few I have left grow in all sorts of angles and range in color from pure white to iron grey. I've found it useful to cultivate a few long brow hairs and do a comb-over with a brow brush to fill in the bare spots. Fortunately, there are cosmetic fixes like brow pencils. But, we must be cautious with those as we don't want to look like we're starring in the local production of Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.

But, your brows!

Also, what's going on with our shoulders? They're no longer fit for handling purse straps, so we're reduced to those cross-body bags that secure firmly at the neck. And bras? Forget about it. No matter how tightly I secure the straps, by the end of the day, they're down to my elbows. Leave it to the fashion industry to introduce "cold shoulder" and "off the shoulder" tops just around the time we need to be dressing like Joan Collins from Dynasty. 

This would be useful.

Now, listen. Bette Davis warned us that growing old wasn't for sissies. So, we are NOT going to behave like wimps about all of this. We're going to hold our heads up and move through society with pride and grace. When we return to our homes, we'll soak our feet, remove our dental appliances, wipe off the eye brow enhancers, and put on muumuus that do not need any shoulder definition. And we will be happy, because we are, truly, glorious divas. Let’s not forget to be a little disgraceful now and then.