LET FREEDOM RING

This is my thirteenth time voting in a presidential election, and I must say it's been quite a journey. I was eighteen that first Tuesday in November of 1976 when I entered a voting booth for the first time. Almost 60 years later, I still feel a sense of pride when I cast my ballot. However, the challenging part is waiting for the final tally that might or might not be announced on election night. As a diva of a certain age, I've learned that surviving eternal election-night coverage requires a strategy. I present to you my own. 

Focus on Steve Kornacki's trousers. Those palomino-brown khakis have been the emotional-support pants for viewers of his big-board election coverage since 2014. Never rumpled, even in the wee hours of the morning when Georgia is still too close to call, Kornacki's khakis remind us that we are from  resilient stock. 

The pants that calm a nation

Enjoy the pompous music each network plays when they return from commercial breaks. Twirl a baton, march, solute, pretend you are being chased by sharks. Indulge in the pageantry of it all!

Do the watusi when a state is called for your candidate.  It's as invigorating as a cup of coffee, therefore, will help you maintain your vigil until at least 3 a.m. 

Create a Slam Book for States you hate when they are called in favor of the other candidate. You can include such entries as "Montana. Big Sky country? How about BIG THIGH COUNTRY! Burn!!!" Or "Virginia is to virgins as Indiana is to India. NOT! HAHAHA!" 

"Stop trying to make North Dakota happen."

Switch to the local stations to snicker as the news anchors attempt to bring import while announcing the results of school levies and city council victories. "No word on whether Harris or Trump has taken our state, but we can now report that the Village of Paltry Creek, population 352,  has elected John Yoder to his 14th term as mayor. Let's go live to Paltry Creek's town hall, which is actually located in John Yoder's living room, to hear his victory speech!" 

"We might be small, but we're tall!"

 Wear your Fit Bit so you can record your steps whilst pacing the room in angst! Turn that frown upside down and think of the health benefits of election-night distress. 

Kiss your worries away! Keep a dish of Hershey's Kisses on the coffee table. Every time the news anchors say, "Too close to call," give yourself a Kiss. Self-love is safe love! 

For a quick adrenaline rush, visit one of the social media sites. This will lead to more of the healthy pacing-of-the-room activity as well as an elevation of the heart rate. If used properly, it will keep you awake until at least Thursday, when they might declare Michigan.

Drink. I'm talking copious amounts of water for hydration. It's always good to have functioning kidneys when all hell breaks loose. In fact, it's good to have healthy kidneys even if hell remains intact. So, drink up!

 

Most of all, remember that we are a strong nation. If your candidate does not win on Tuesday, we will carry on. In as diverse and powerful a country as our own, there will always be new paths forward. Happy Election Day Eve to all who celebrate, and may the best man woman win!