SPOILER: THE ONE WHERE I RUIN YOUR FAVORITE CHRISTMAS MOVIES

Hi! I'm Twinkles The Intern! The Diva is out of commission this week, as she's suffering from the effects of The Irish Flu (3 parts Bailey's Irish Cream, 2 parts whiskey, 1 part whole milk.) She asked me to fill in for her, writing a post about the traditional holiday shows everyone loves. I had to remind her that I was raised in a cult where I was not permitted to watch television. Fortunately, at age 25, I was rescued by my Aunt Donatella and Uncle Pete. But, the only thing we watched during the holidays were repeat viewings of Moonstruck. "Even better," she shouted at me from behind the door of her She-Shed, "You can give it a fresh perspective as a first-time viewer!" So, I went to the library, rented the shows, and asked Aunt Donatella to join me. 

Twinkles the Intern

Donatella the Aunt (Ain't she just Divine?)

First, we watched A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's a sweet story about the saddest boy the world has ever known!

"No wonder!" said Aunt Donatella, "Look at his so-called friends. Losers and half-wits. That kid playing the piano non-stop? I'm telling you he's going to grow up to be a serial killer. I've seen his type on Lifetime movies. And that Lucy? We're watching a budding alcoholic in the making. Now, she's smart. Smart enough to make it in the business world run by men. But, what will she do? Marry one of these numbskulls - maybe even that Brown kid - and spend her life wallowing in regret and chardonnay." 

"Aunt D! I think you're missing the beauty of the story. It's all about the true meaning of Christmas!" 

She smirked. "I don't know about that, but I do know that smelly kid - the one they call Pig Pen? - is destined for prison. I fault the parents. Probably drunks and hoarders. And that kid who makes the big speech at the end? What's up with him and the blanket? If it were up to me, I'd call social services on the whole town."

"Well, at least Charlie Brown has a loyal dog," I said.

"Most likely rabid," she replied. 

"Rats. My mom forgot to refill my prescription for Prozac, again." 

Next, we took in It's a Wonderful Life with the great Jimmy Stewart. It's a heart-warming story of a man whose life sucks and continues to suck until he just cannot take it anymore.

"His first mistake was not aligning with that Potter fellow," Aunt Donatella said, taking a long drag off her Camel cigarette.

"Aunt D! Potter is a horrible man. He wants to destroy the whole town!"

"He just wants to make Bedford Falls great again, Twinkles. Besides, what did George's noble deeds get him? A house falling down on its foundation filled with noisy brats and a cold wife. That's what!" 

"But, don't you see? The Angel Clarence showed him that the world would be a sadder place if George Bailey had never been born. Clarence saved his life!" 

She took a swig of her Manhattan and slammed down the glass. "What a load of hooey. Look, Twinkles, the man was ready to jump off a bridge to end it all because he was going to prison. The only thing that would have stopped him is if that nincompoop of an angel had said, 'Here's $5000 to replace the money that went missing.' Problem solved!" 

"If you don't give me the money, I'm jumping back in the river and taking ZsuZsu's petals with me." 

After that, we tuned into Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, the charming tale of a young reindeer bullied so badly for his physical deformity that he runs away to an uninhabitable environment fraught with  danger. 

Aunt Donatella lit up another cigarette and wondered aloud, "Which  parent was the carrier?"

"What?" I asked.

"Twinkles! Obviously, neither parent is afflicted with the genetic mutation that has their kid's nose glowing like a five-alarm fire. So, either one is a carrier, or Mama Reindeer had a boyfriend on the side."

"Aunt Donatella! That has nothing to do with the story. This is about accepting people for their differences, and even realizing that those differences can be strengths!"

"Well, well, well. SOMEONE in this room got woke. All I know is Santa could use a few cocktails in the evening to lighten his mood, the elf who wants to be a dentist should move to the suburbs where he'll be appreciated, and that Yukon Cornelius fella is kind of sexy in a rugged sort of way."

"He's a claymation character!!"

"Let's just say he has more 'mation' in him than your uncle has in the lasts 10 years."

"Just you wait until I strike goooollld!"

We had one more show to watch, White Christmas, a story about how global warming destroys the entire economy of one small Vermont town. 

Aunt Donatella poured herself another drink and settled in to watch.  Suddenly, she leapt from her chair and shouted, "THIS is how you make a Christmas movie!" 

"I don't understand. What's so special about this one?" I asked.

"Oh, it's delightful! It's my dream Christmas. An empty inn with a full bar all to myself? Just me and that handsome General. Heavenly! Oh, and that nosy Parker of a housekeeper, too. Someone has to change the sheets, after all. The granddaughter would be an issue, but I'd just send her off to boarding school."

"Aunt Donatella! You aren't even paying attention! The inn isn't empty. It's filled with show people who are there to perform for happy ski folk from New York. Without snow, no one will make the trip to Vermont, and the General will have to sell the place and retire. It's a potential tragedy!"

"Tragedy schmagedy. Do you have any idea what kind of military retirement pay a General receives? Plus, I have a friend in the real estate biz who could probably take that inn off his hands for a cool $5 million. That's enough money for the General and I to buy a place in Palm Springs. No more of that snow, snow, snow, snow! Merry Christmas to me!"

"General Thomas Waverly at your service. May I have this dance, Miss Donatella?"

I'm not sure this worked out exactly as The Diva planned. But, I can report that Aunt Donatella has just settled in for a long winter's nap. I'm sure there are visions of "The grandest son-of-a-soldier of them all" dancing in her head.  To all a good night!