A DIVA DISSERTATION: THE IMPORTANCE OF THE HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE IN A POLITE SOCIETY

The thing about Hallmark Christmas Movies is that they are only watchable from mid-November to the New Year. If these schmaltzy cream puffs were to show up on my TV screen at any time between January  and October, I'd call Homeland Security to report a sugar bomb. But, the truth is, we need this type of zweiback-cookie programming to help us transition from boring normal life to crazy-intense-family-gathering season. There are so many reasons these serve as a buffer between those ordinary times, and the season where we are obligated to be on a jolly fix. 

First of all, they are not political. The people who populate these winter wonderland towns barely own TVs much less watch CNN and Fox. In fact, if politics does occur in a plot line, it's usually about the evil city council president who agrees to sell Happy Holiday Valley to the Christmas-hating developer from Big City, USA. Why this matters: Every four years, there's a critical election the first week in November that wreaks havoc far and wide. Then, for the next three years, the country argues about the winner of said election. Soon enough, it's primary season followed by election season followed by post-election analysis. So, there is something comforting about entering the lives of these small-town folk who think "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" is a documentary.

                                     

"And if you elect me Mayor of Sleigh Bell City, I promise everyone who works in the Christmas industry will be guaranteed a living wage and a home that is included on the local historical registry!" 

Secondly, you could cut the sexual tension with a spoon. The main characters are so asexual that, when they do finally share that magical first kiss at the end of the movie, they are like two middle-schoolers who assume this means they are now engaged. The actors and actresses have all been cast from StockPhoto.com, so, while conventionally good-looking, they have the sex appeal of a terry-cloth bath robe. Why this matters: At this point, we've already spent months binge-watching Outlander, Orange Is the New Black, Game of Thrones and other shows in which parental guidance is strongly advised. We need a little time to cool down and get wholesome so we can get on Santa's "Nice" list.

"We knew it was meant to be when we realized we use the same teeth-whitening strips!"

The entire town is on quaaludes, which is why these shows are so comforting. As the rest of the world burns to the ground, the good citizens of Currier and Ives Junction peaceably deck every corner of every hall with boughs of Hobby Lobby.  That's why, when the heroine breezes into town with her designer tote and thick winter scarf that takes 20 minutes to unwind, her mild anxiety over spreadsheets and foreclosures seems positively Anna Wintourish. Fortunately, a well-meaning soul drops a pharmaceutical in her hot cocoa, and she comes to her senses. She WILL give up her life-long dream of being a Supreme Court Justice, set aside her stressful career in law, and marry the town lumberjack. For cash, she'll take over her Aunt Millie's Christmas Cookie Bakery. After all, why not?! Why this matters: Who among us hasn't wanted someone to drop a dose of "No connection to reality" in our hot cocoa? Particularly in this dumpster fire we call 2020.

"You're all I need to get by in this world."

Watching a Hallmark Christmas movie is like gazing into a snow globe after doing several shots of Bailey's. Everything is SO PRETTY! Besides the glitter, glow, and twinkle, all the homes are ready for their Crate and Barrel close up. Each one, no matter the economic status of the owner, has a massive fireplace that holds a roaring blaze morning, noon and night! The furnishings are sophisticated, yet cozy, and are accented with pristine appointments that speak New England College Professor Meets Pottery Barn. Cocoa is served in chip-free, seasonal mugs, and iced cookies present on painted crockery. Why this matters: These movies are a boon to the retail industry as we viewers want ALL THE STUFF! 

If Amazon creates an "As Seen in a Hallmark Movie" category, I will max out my credit card buying everything in this photo, including the cream in the pitcher.

You can watch three movies in a row and come away feeling good about yourself! Yes, that is six hours of lying on the sofa drinking wine  hot chocolate and eating Cheese Nips directly from the box rice cakes, but there's so much more! These films make us think about the things that are truly important in life - family, friends, a stylist skilled in providing great highlights, a few posh sweaters to dress up your jeans. Also, how many of us, in the midst of our viewing session, have been inspired to create a Go-Fund-Me for a nearby Christmas Town on the brink of bankruptcy? Take THAT, Big Box Store Distribution Center! Why this matters: Feeling charitable during the holiday season is a good way to repair marred family relationships, to offer kindness over bitterness, and, in the spirit of giving,  to buy yourself one of those posh sweaters.

Or, in actress Lori Loughlin's case, an acceptance letter from a posh college for a loved one!

The bottom line is that Hallmark Christmas Movies are not for everyone. But, they are for those  of us who receive tidings of comfort and joy from watching young people in super cute coats and knit hats fall in love by the neon light of the town diner. They are as innocuous and comforting as that old stuffed Santa we prop up on our mantle each year. Silly? Predictable? Lacking in any intellectual stimulation or redemptive quality? Yes. Yes. Absolutely. But, in a world where anxiety is just a Tweet or Facebook Status away, where watching the news leads to feeling helpless, and where outrage is the de facto emotion of an entire population, maybe we adults can all do with a sweet story and a nap. At least between Thanksgiving and New Years Day. 

Want more Diva-ish views on Hallmark movies? Check this out:

Hallmark Christmas