THE DIVA'S GUIDE TO BEST PICTURE

As a diva, albeit an invisible one, I like to weigh in on all things cultural. In the months of February and March, I settle in to view the Academy Award nominees so I can spend Oscar night with my Box-O-Wine by my side cheering on my picks. If I were a voting member of the Academy, I'd have my own, distinct criteria to choose the most deserving nominee in each category. For example, for  Best Picture I would not reject compelling story-telling, stunning cinematography, brilliant directing, and flawless acting. However, I'd ask myself these questions: Did I actually like the film? Did I nod off at some point? Could I describe the plot to a friend in three sentences or less?  Bonus points if I cry. Demerits if I can’t watch it in one sitting. So, which 2023 nominees rose to my stringent guidelines? I present to you my rankings. 

10. Triangle of Sadness -  Dear God, no. Youngsters of today, with their high-octane marijuana and drug-laced edibles, are just toying with us with this nonsense. “Hey! Let’s make a dark comedy about the ostentatiously wealthy that takes place on a cruise ship. It will feature Woody Harrelson and copious amounts of vomit. The critics will love it." Class wars? More like crass wars.

9. Tar - Even Cate Blanchett and her cheek bones couldn’t make me care for this dreary, pretentious film about a symphony conductor, Lydia Tar, who is caught in controversy. I did, however, like her Katherine Hepburnish pants. Otherwise, nothing to see here. Move along.

8. Women Talking - In the words of the late, great Elvis: a little less conversation, a little more action. Actually, I haven’t seen this film and probably won’t. I’m placing it 8th because I just know that Frances McDormand would not allow herself to be lured into making a movie that’s worse than the two in the 9th and 10th spots. 

7. Avatar - James Cameron is such an egomaniac that he could not possibly cut out any of his precious work from this three-plus hour film. Any film over two-and-a-half hours is a hostage situation, particularly when it's only available in theaters.  SOME of us have to pee! 

6. Elvis - I love this movie and have seen it twice. You know the part where little tiny Lisa Marie is sitting next to her daddy in his big limo before she flies back to Memphis with her mama? And then she says, “Bye, Daddy” and gives him one final look over her shoulder before she climbs the stairs to the private jet? And how the ACTUAL Lisa Marie died not long after the movies was released? That part? I bawled like a baby. Bonus points galore!  However, it loses points for casting Tom Hanks as Colonel Parker. Between the scenery-chewing and the horrific accent, I actually thought he was reprising his David S. Pumpkins role from SNL. (Side note: I won't be mad if Austin Butler wins Best Actor.)

5. Everything, Everywhere All At Once - Oh, be quiet! You know it’s going to win best picture, so don’t come after me for ranking it in the middle. Guess how many days it took me to finish this thing? THREE. We're talking a boatload of demerits. Also, I spent most of those three days going, “What just happened?” Jamie Lee Curtis does deserve Best Supporting Actress for allowing them to make her look unattractive, which is in keeping with Oscar tradition. But, Michelle Yeoh and Ke Huy Quan kept me from giving up on the film. I hope the awards for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actor go to them. 

4. The Fabelmans: Good movie. Has a nice beat and you can dance to it.  I enjoyed this fictional account of Steven Spielberg's childhood, but just couldn’t muster a lot of excitement for it. I do think the Academy got it wrong. Instead of Judd Hirsch for Best Supporting Actor, it should have been Paul Dano. It was an understated and sensitive performance. I suspect that, as they were playing his parents, Spielberg took extra care in directing him and Michelle Williams. 

3. Top Gun: Maverick - I said what I said! Hear me out. This was the most entertaining film of the year, hands down. It brought people back to the theaters. It reminded us that a movie doesn't have to be complicated to be good. After two years of pandemic, it was the right movie at the right time. Also, show some respect for the troops even if they are actors in unrealistic military scenarios.

2. Banshees of Inisherin - and here with have the most polarizing film on the list. Why did I put it in second place? Because I honestly didn't know what the feck (that's me talking with an Irish accent) to do with it. It's sort of brilliant and sort of odd and is billed as a dark comedy. There's these two Irish guys who were friends, but one wants to end the friendship and is very dramatic about it. There’s also a donkey and a sister and a local boy who loves the sister, but he’s a bit daft, as they say in Ireland, so she’ll never be his.  Some say it's an allegory of The Troubles, as if I'm supposed to know what The Troubles is. But, there is something really beautiful and deeply sad about this movie. Plus, my ancestors are from Ireland, and I don't need them putting curses on me if I don't give this movie a proper place in the rankings. 

1. All Quiet On the Western Front - Look, the entire film is in German, yet I was enthralled from the start. It’s about a young soldier experiencing the horrors of WWI. Since the director  places us right there in the fox holes and on the battlefield, we see things that are so horrific, we can’t believe they could have truly happened. It is not a feel good movie. There are no heroes. So, why Best Picture? Every other movie on this list will fade from memory. This one will not. It is going to be mentioned in the same breath as the likes of Citizen Cane, The Godfather, Casablanca.  It is an absolute work of art. It will win Best International Film, but it deserves the big prize. 

I don't expect any surprises on Oscar night. The various award shows leading up to granddaddy of them all have given us clues about the outcomes. Best Picture will be Everything, Everyone All At Once, and the two Daniels who directed the film will share Best Director. Best Actress will go to Michelle Yeoh of the same film. Branden Fraser will win Best Actor for The Whale. The supporting awards will go to Jamie Lee Curtis of the Best Picture winner and Barry Keoghan of Banshees. No punches will be thrown. 

Now, excuse me while I call my stylist to help me choose which gown I'll wear as I walk the red carpet from my kitchen to the living room sofa.