AMAZONIAN DIVA

Let’s shop! 

 As a diva of a certain age, it has become imperative that I stick to a budget. This is hardly my idea as I believe life should be lived and money spent! This directive came from my accountant who claims it is for my own good. "Diva, if you continue with this type of spending, you'll have to share an apartment with three other senior citizens and live on Ramen Noodles." How wonderful! Just like my college days. As long as kegs of beer are included, it will be a joy! "Sorry, Diva. If you do not stop purchasing thousands of dollars worth of items from Amazon each month, I'm afraid the only alcohol you'll be able to afford is the free wine at Communion." Oh, that would not do! I agreed to put a limit on my shopping, though I knew it would be challenging for so many reasons.

I just ordered a few last minute things before I cut back! 

First of all, a personal shopper I've never met shows me, via my Facebook account, objects I cannot live without. These are things I never knew I needed until they pop up on my page right in the middle of me scrolling for more Purple Clover click bait stories. For example, I had no idea I needed a box of earring backs - 1,200 to be exact - even though I own fewer than 20 pairs of earrings! Who knew there are finger covers to use for eating Cheetos?  Also, is there a more necessary purchase than a bag of 1,500 live lady bugs? Apparently, I’ve been sleep-walking through life! 

Mandatory in the year 2025

Then, there's the challenge of avoiding the "customers who bought this also bought..." section beneath my potential purchase. If all the cool kids are buying it, why shouldn't I? This is how I've come to own twenty-five sweaters of the exact same style.  I went shopping for a pillow and ended up purchasing a new bedroom set to go with it because Amazon told me that's what everyone else was doing.  "Diva, if Amazon told you other customers were jumping off a bridge, would you do it, too?"  Probably, as long as the bridge was part of my Amazon Prime two-day shipping program. 

I wanted to buy a pair of socks but ended up with all of this! 

Everyone knows that clicking the "Add to Cart" button provides a dopamine rush.  It's like being one of  those lab rats that get a treat every time they push that cute little rat-sized lever.  Also,  much like Pavlov's dogs, we Amazon addicts begin to salivate when we hear the sound of a delivery truck pulling into the drive. By the time we've cut open the brown box and released our prize,  we're spinning in circles and hopping on sofas. It's quite the buzz, and the only antidote is the arrival of credit card bill. 

I'm just so happy, happy, HAPPY!!

Don't get me started on the deals! On any given day, something or other is for sale at up to 60% off.  It's true that you might neither want it or need it, but what about five years from now? How would you feel if you woke up in 2030 and discovered you needed an Olaf the Snowman waffle iron, but realized you missed the opportunity to purchase it in 2025 at 40% off with free shipping? That's why it's so important to hit Add To Cart immediately.  Particularly when Amazon states, "only 1 left of this item!"  

It’s not just a sale. It’s a Supet Sale!!

Let's face it. Amazon is a one-stop shop from the comfort of your fainting couch! Where else can you purchase toothpaste, coffee, a new dress for that night on the town, a portable generator, plus a Nicholas Cage throw pillow all in one sitting? The fact that it will arrive on your front stoop in two business days is more than enough reason to avoid the chaos of a physical store. I completed my entire Christmas-shopping list while watching Season 1of Bridgerton! 

Just a li’l something!

The truth is, there are more reasons to cut back on my Amazon shopping habit than there are to continue feeding it. For one thing, it is healthier to go to a store, walk the aisles, push a shopping cart, and carry bags into our homes. It is good to be around people, smile at a the person behind the meat counter, thank the cashier or bagger, even have a quick conversation with the person in line behind you. It is easier to make conscientious purchasing decisions when the products and their price tags are physically present. Most of all, having the whole world at our fingertips with just the push of one specific button can never lead to anything good. Someone's going to get very, very rich and become very, very greedy. And it ain't us, Amazonian Women. Maybe the brick-and-mortars and local businesses deserve the attention of Invisible Divas everywhere. What say you?