THE INVISIBLE DIVA: DIVA DOES HOLLYWOOD

I am proud to announce that Le Film Magnifique Revue, the go-to periodical for only the most pretentious of film connoisseurs, asked me for an interview. As I am a diva of a certain age, Professor Art C. Phartzey was interested in my viewpoint of the 2025 Oscar nominations. Naturally, I was flattered. "How lovely that a French magazine has reached out to me!" The Professor chortled. "French? Oh, my dear Diva. We are based out of Boyd County, Nebraska. We titled our magazine thusly as we shun the crass Americanism that has infiltrated the art and want to reflect our devotion to all things European." Suspecting this was going to be a long interview, I refilled my glass of wine, or, as the French say, verre de vin.

Bottoms up, Frenchies!

Phartzey: Let us begin with the most-nominated film of the year, EMILIA PEREZ. Tell us, Diva. Were you not captivated by story of a powerful Mexican drug lord who seeks the aid of a young female attorney to procure a sex-change operation in order to begin an incognito life as a woman?

Diva: Is that the one with the cute singer who used to date Justin Bieber? Too many subtitles for my taste. Either speak English or take your little movie to the Foreign film category.

Why didn’t I erase my social media? Why??

Phartzey: Let's move on to the second most-nominated movie, WICKED. This charming musical about the history of the two predominant characters in the L. Frank Baum tale "The Wizard of Oz" is certainly quite "Popular." But did it defy the gravity of critical expectations, Diva?

Diva: This movie was just darling with all the pink and green. However, it has come to my attention that The Academy failed to nominate one of the most important people in the film - Bowen Yang. Unforgivable! I shall boycott Part II until this is rectified.

“No worries, Diva. My future is Unlimited!”

Phartzey: Shall we discuss CONCLAVE? This film takes us deep into the heart of the Vatican See where a new Pope is to be chosen by the gathering of Cardinals. Diva! Do tell how you were on the edge of your seat as each new vote was revealed!

Diva: You know what shocked me? That the area where all those important Cardinals were taken to dine was like a giant Catholic school cafeteria with long tables and nuns standing around watching for them to misbehave. I fully expected a Cardinal to get wrapped on the knuckles with a ruler at one point.

“I’m winning this award even though my part is very small because I threatened the Academy voters I’ll have them stand with their nose to the chalkboard if they don’t vote for me.”

Phartzey: Next on the list is A COMPLETE UNKNOWN, the Bob Dylan biopic which traces his early inspirations and presents his music with the backdrop of historical events. My dear Diva! Surely you were thrilled to see a musical idol from your generation come alive on the screen!

Diva: How dare you, sir? How old do you suppose I am? I'll have you know that I was eating paste and playing with molding clay at the kindergarten when Mr. Dylan came on the scene! As for the film, though enjoyable, I spent a good portion of my time wishing for a Lady Gaga/Timothee Chalamet Duet.

“We’re far from the shallow now.”

Phantzey: It's time to move on to the comedy/horror film entitled THE SUBSTANCE. There is much to discuss! Elizabeth Sparkle is an aging actress who is offered a secret biological program which allows the user to create an alternate, youthful version of themself living in the same timeline. Diva, please share your thoughts on the patriarchy's insistence that women maintain a youthful standard of beauty so severe that some will go to extremes to meet those standards.

Diva: Oh, this is that one with the gory scenes that almost made me - to put it delicately - lose my wine. Demi Moore was perfection when she wasn't allowing a younger version of her DNA to creep out of her spine. I did adore Demi's yellow coat, though.

“Ghost, GI Jane, A Few Good Men, Indecent Proposal. And I’ll win for playing a washed up actress?”

Phartzey: Let's talk about ANORA, the delightful romantic comedy about a prostitute who marries the son of a Russian oligarch. Diva, do discuss the patriarchal theme of women as sexual objects and the disaffected nature of today's male youth.

Diva: First of all, it is neither romantic nor a comedy. It is a porno with an infusion of The Three Stooges in the middle and five minutes of Ol' Yeller at the end. At least it was more realistic than Pretty Woman.

“He’s rich. But I wish her were handsome like Richard Gere."

Phartzey: Onto to the second part of the film adaptation of a literary masterpiece, DUNE PART II. Diva! Please expand on how thrilled you were to witness the dystopian conflicts of another world!

Diva: This film is 3.5 hours long. Diva doesn't do that.

“We're far from the shallow, now.” Oops! Wrong Chalamet movie.

Phartzey: Alright. We shall move onto THE BRUTALIST. The film details the life of Holocaust surviver and immigrant who finds himself struggling to survive in America. How affected were you by the poignant scenes of despair and humiliation?

Diva: As Laszlo said, "It is the destination, not the journey." Good advice. Skip to the end and spare yourself all that leads up to it.

“Life is not beautiful.”

Phartzey: What are your thoughts on the political drama I'M STILL HERE? Do you Diva, find the disappearance of Brazilian politician Rubens Paiva at the hands of a dictatorship too close to today's political climate?

Diva: I'll need more wine and several hours to discuss today's political climate. Naturally, I did not see the film as it is playing absolutely nowhere within my vicinity. Coincidence? I think not.

“Yes, I’m still here. But, no one has seen me.”

Phartzey: Finally, let us discuss NICKEL BOYS. This film is based on the Colson Whitehead novel and deals with the institutionalized racism in a reform school in the 60's.

Diva: Do you mean the movie that won't even be released to theaters until days before the Oscars? A film about historical racism that is not available for anyone to see? That one? Yes. I hope it wins.