DANGER DIVA!

I was a nervous child, so I often obsessed over the worries I'd face once I became a free-range adult. Lest you think I was prodigious enough to be concerned about things like jobs, mortgages, taxes, or even health insurance, I was not. My world-view was shaped by Saturday-morning cartoons and black-and-white movies. Based on the information I gleaned from those two sources, I created a list of prevalent dangers I would encounter in the future. I vowed to always avoid these potential catastrophe makers. Today, I present my list to you, my dear readers, so that you, too, can practice SAFETY FIRST!

Danger, Invisible Diva!

Banana Peels. Did you know that they are the #1 cause of slip and fall accidents in cartoons and old-timey comedies? Back then, banana eaters tossed empty peels on sidewalks and dance floors with abandon. A non-suspecting person would step on one, slide until they flipped 6 feet in the air, then land soundly on their back. It's obvious ERs are no longer filled with banana-peel slippers because some crafty law firm staged a class-action lawsuit against Dole and Chiquita for hazardous packaging that did not contain a warning label. 

The fruit of death

Flies in Soup. I was led to believe that once I was old enough to order anything but frankfurters (aka: fancy hot dogs) from the children's menu, I would spend a great deal of my dining experiences calling my server to the table to announce, "Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!" After profuse apologies followed by the whisking away of the offending bowl, I'd ponder the potential outcome. Suppose I'd swallowed that fly? Perhaps I'd die?

MURDER! She float.

Pianos Falling From Sky. I did have some concerns about moving to the big city as an adult. Not due to crime, pollution, or over-priced housing. It seemed that, on any given day, you could walk down the sidewalk beside a high-rise where movers were attempting to install a baby grand into a 15th floor apartment via rope and pulleys, when, BAM!  Death by the very thing you were forced to practice for hours on end.   (See also: Safes falling from sky.)

Billy Joel was in a foul mood that day.

Manholes. These menaces are located on sidewalks all over big cities and small towns.  Apparently, you could be walking along, enjoying the beauty all around you (or texting,) when BOOM! The manhole cover has been removed by a careless sewer worker, and down you go. You will tumble to the underground world of giant rats and strange folks who will teach you their ways.  But, you shall never see the sun, again, nor will you be able to clear you mind of the knowledge of things people flush down toilets.

Going down?

Quicksand. Let's face it. Weren't we all just a little afraid of this, growing up? If you watched any television at all, you learned that quicksand was everywhere (except in the big city.) You could be outrunning some random villain or monster, when BLOOP! Next thing you know, you're neck deep in a muck that is practically a living being! Unless there is a nearby vine you can grab (assuming you have the appropriate upper body strength,) it tugs you down, down, deep into its depths. A place from which no one returns to tell the stories of terror! The only evidence of your existence will be the hat you were wearing bobbing atop the mire.

Sink or swim.

So, how could I ever have predicted that, in the Year of Hydroxychloroqine 2020, my list of dangers would change? Would anyone have believed me back in the 60's, when I was eating Lucky Charms in front of the TV watching Hanna-Barbera cartoons, if I foretold that, in the future, man would fear the unmasked? That the scariest place on earth would be a church filled to the rafters with singers and praisers? That school children would be seen as something out of a Stephen King novel?

At any rate, make it your goal to stay safe from dangers, real or imaginary. Mask up. Keep your distance. Avoid crowds. WASH THOSE HANDS! And avoid walking under grand pianos dangling in the air.

Related Posts:
Who Is That Masked Diva?
Pandemic Planner