This year, we decided to modify our snowbird lifestyle. By modify, I mean axe it. The husband would disagree, as we'll still spend one week a month in the Sunshine State soaking up the rays, drinking on the beach, and complaining when the temperature drops below 75. But, that is not snow-birding. That's vacationing. Therefore, I am now referring to myself as The Vacationista. Join me!
One problem with going from being The Snow Birdess to The Vacationista is giving up some really fun stuff. For example, now, we are going to take a plane rather than a car. I shall miss that glorious drive up and down the I-75 corridor, jack-knifed semis and all! If you've never done it, allow me to enlighten you regarding the high points.
Restroom Roulette: This risk-taking game involves seeing how many well-lit exits you can pass before your bladder pressure resembles the early stages of labor and delivery. When desperation forces you to zoom off the very next ramp, all you can do is count on luck. Either there will be a plethora of gas stations and fast food joints with reasonably clean stalls, operational soap dispensers and toilet paper that doesn't scratch, or it's your time to take the bullet. In that case, you will drive for miles down a dark country road, finally spotting a one-pump operation with a faded "Esso" sign on the exterior. When you enter to the tune of Dueling Banjos and ask the gent behind the counter where the restrooms are located, he'll drawl, "Out yonder" pointing to a swampy woods with a single cinder-block building which holds a plaque that reads, "Toilet." I don't think I need to elaborate further.
Always a favorite feature!
Car Snacks: Driving long distance requires an over-stimulated brain that is hyper-aware of every danger! Since cocaine is illegal, the next best thing is super-caffeinated drinks combined with both sweet and salty treats. I've found a large mocha coffee goes well with a giant-sized Kit Kat Bar, featuring a bag of chips as a chaser. This combo allows me to maintain a powerful sugar-buzz while retaining just enough water to keep me from needing to play Restroom Roulette as often.
Co-Piloting: No trip up and down the highway is complete without the opportunity to co-pilot! This is when you get to sit in the passenger seat and run the show. A few handy catch phrases you might want to memorize include: "The speed limit is 70, not 75, Mario Andretti." "It says this lane is closed five miles ahead. You better move over, NOW." "Are you going to pass these cars, or what?" It's also exciting to slam on the imaginary brakes or grab the armrests while letting out a panicked yelp. This is what teamwork is all about!
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| Not THAT left! The OTHER left! |
The Atlanta Strategy: Anyone who has done the I-75 shuffle knows all about Atlanta traffic. We've been on the highway when the rush-hour pile-up started as soon as Kentucky and lasted until mid-Florida. So, it's always necessary to strategize as such: "If we leave at 3:00 a.m., we'll get to mid-town at 1:00 and will avoid the traffic. But, that means driving the twisty Kentucky mountain roads in the pitch dark and hitting Tennessee in time for the fog warnings. So, we can leave at 6:00 a.m. and stay north of the city, in that little town where people speak with an accent so thick, we need subtitles. But, we'll have to make a pit-stop for a bottle of wine, because that is a dry county. Or, we can leave at noon, make it through Atlanta at 9:00 p.m., then spend the next two hours arguing about whether it's actually safe to get off at any gator-ridden exits that pop up afterwards. Let's flip a coin!"
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| That time when eighteen lanes is not enough.... |
Hotel, Motel, Holiday Inn: Naturally, the high point of the first leg of the journey is when you finally pull into the parking lot of your chosen accommodations for the night. Remember when you were a kid, and your family stayed at a hotel? And it was super exciting because you and your siblings could stay up all night watching TV? And you could get snacks from the candy machine, and you got to run back and forth getting ice for your parents' drinks? And there were free post-cards in the drawer that you could send to your friends to prove your family really IS rich? And, if you got there early enough, you could swim in the hotel pool that nearly destroyed your retinas what with the over-abundance of chlorine? And you didn't have to make your bed because an actual MAID did it? This is nothing like that. No. At this stage of life, the most exciting thing about the hotel is that soft bed with the wide assortment of pillows, along with the promise of a 6:30 p.m. bedtime. And you better get that rest because the next day is another adventure on I-75.
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| Sweet dreams! |
As much as I miss the I-75 adventures, there's plenty to be had when you take a plane! But, more on that later. I'm off to refill my TSA-approved toiletry bottles, measure my carry-on, and make sure my socks are hole-free for the official removal-of-the-shoes pre-flight ritual. Happy travels!
So funny.
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