BOOMER DAYS

In the future, a youngster will ask for my assistance with a class project involving the question: What was life like when you were a little girl?  I assume the student will have the ability to  turn me into a hologram so I can appear directly in front of the classmates to regale them with delightful stories of my youth. Naturally, I'll want to be the most popular old-lady hologram in that 3rd grade class, so I will need to provide information they could never find in their history books. Since it's never too early to prepare for such a lofty goal,  I've already begun writing my presentation. Dear Class of 2053: You aren't going to believe this, but....

THE DIVAS GUIDE TO THE COLONOSCOPY

 Once you become a Diva of a Certain Age, there is one group that swarms you like paparazzi on a pop star. Much like denizens of Hollywood, we are suddenly in demand for screenings, shots, scripts, gowns, and even the occasional nude scene. Divas, we are, at long last, the darlings of the medical community!

"I'm ready for my close-up, Dr. Kildaire."

Suddenly, we are on a first name basis with our physician, the lab tech, the pharmacist, and the clerk in the "Safety Products for Seniors" section of the big box store. We get blood tests for an entire alphabet of reasons. We take blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes, heart, hormone, blood-thinning, and bone-building medications. We line up for the flu shot, pneumonia vax, shingles vax and, now, the COVID vax. But, there is that one test - the Cecil B Demille Production of all screenings - that we avoid like a bad review.  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you....

THE COLONOSCOPY!

DEAR 2020: IT'S ME, DIVA

Well, here we are in 2021. That only took twelve months and a couple of centuries. Since there's not much else to do, I thought I would crack open my diary so we can review, as a group, the highs and lows of my life during The Year Of Living Pandemically. I've even included selfies in the event my logs enter some sort of historical archive. Do don your masks and enjoy!

                                     

A DIVA DISSERTATION: THE IMPORTANCE OF THE HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE IN A POLITE SOCIETY

The thing about Hallmark Christmas Movies is that they are only watchable from mid-November to the New Year. If these schmaltzy cream puffs were to show up on my TV screen at any time between January  and October, I'd call Homeland Security to report a sugar bomb. But, the truth is, we need this type of zweiback-cookie programming to help us transition from boring normal life to crazy-intense-family-gathering season. There are so many reasons these serve as a buffer between those ordinary times, and the season where we are obligated to be on a jolly fix. 

WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? (Featuring Twinkles the Intern)

Hi everyone! I'm Twinkles the Intern. The Invisible Diva asked me to write this post because she is spending the day casting her vote in the 2020 election! Afterwards, she plans to await the exciting results in the She Shed behind her house. She had me stock it with enough wine, crackers, and Cheese Whiz to get her through mid-December. Meanwhile, my new boyfriend,  Norbert Donald Cided (N.D. for short), and I are going to spread Election Day cheer by gifting our friends and family with homemade red-for-Republican and blue-for Democrat bath bombs! N.D. believes this will be our way of spreading a message of bipartisan unity. "Twinkles," he said, "if people see that these bath bombs can join together to create a frothy, pleasant bathing experience, they will understand that we, too, can put aside our differences and live as one!" This is why I call N.D. Cided the "Guy From the Beatles" of our generation!

ME?

A VERY DIVA DICTIONARY

It's true that every generation invents their own slang to use to both confuse their parents and feel cool about themselves. I'm old enough to remember when keen became neato which became boss which became groovy which became cool. "Whatever" went from being a useful pronoun and adjective to a sign of disdain or indifference. And, do not get me started on the youngsters and their urban dictionaries and emojis.  (Why so rude to the eggplant, kids?) These days, the real challenge for us AARPers is to interpret the words used for modern-day technology. 

Particularly since they make no sense.  

...meme and zoom.

DANGER DIVA!

I was a nervous child, so I often obsessed over the worries I'd face once I became a free-range adult. Lest you think I was prodigious enough to be concerned about things like jobs, mortgages, taxes, or even health insurance, I was not. My world-view was shaped by Saturday-morning cartoons and black-and-white movies. Based on the information I gleaned from those two sources, I created a list of prevalent dangers I would encounter in the future. I vowed to always avoid these potential catastrophe makers. Today, I present my list to you, my dear readers, so that you, too, can practice SAFETY FIRST!

Danger, Invisible Diva!